Malnourished[CENTER]

I discern that it's my turn to speak of travesties
of families of loved ones screaming how can this be?
We live lavishly but of the soul were malnourished.
We ignore the cerebral and don't intellectually flourish.

Reading is fundamental. I read it's detrimental
to drink and smoke because your body is a rental
owned by God and using substance ruins the facade.
The world's in fog, it clouds what's your true purpose.

It masks obstacles, seems life's journeys not worth it.
We're nervous, on the surface we're smilyn,
with interior dissatisfaction on the insides were dyin.
We're trying, to get solutions to all our problems.
Generations to ponder but we still can't solve them.

Lives would have a better start if you had bona fide trust.
But your cold metallic hearts makes your insides rust!
Guys trust me, were in intellectual gridlock............
People keep speaking but its not real talk.............



http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=224406
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=225265

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ASSIMILATED CONCEPTZ

This wasn't too bad for a new guy. You had some nice vocab with alright emotion and imagery. I think that if you can fix your syllable count up it will really help your flow and make your vocab and wordplay stand out much more. for example:

Reading is fundamental. I read it's detrimental
to drink and smoke because your body is a rental

Here you use 'detrimental' which is a four syallable word, then you use rental to finish the bar off which is a 2 syllable word. Try and make them both either a four or two syllable word, or atleast toss an internal in on the 2nd line to mask it.

Do this, and your flow and read will improve greatly. Nice drop for a new guy, keep on writing and viewing pieces, keep on improving.

edit: i just re-read that bar and it didnt sound too bad.. maybe the period threw me off but eh... good stuff..

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Was he robbed of the ashphalt that cushioned his face?

i agree....u got skills man...elevate

7.9/10

umm I dont know. seems like you were just trying to rhyme and shit, using big words dont make ya lines hot man. which is why I always say keep it simple if you have to. its better to be simple and ill than try to be complex and come out boring, feel me??

I dunno. i saw potential.. but keep at it.

"It masks obstacles, seems life's journeys not worth it.
We're nervous, on the surface we're smilyn,
with interior dissatisfaction on the insides were dyin.
We're trying, to get solutions to all our problems.
Generations to ponder but we still can't solve them."

^fav section

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This was pretty decent !! flow was nice had decent vocab but you did over
do it at some points nice complexity but could be upped,... emotions was
deep and I like the topic...

Decent drop keep em coming

1~

i dont noe but everyones styles here in different than mine, not to say that this wasnt
a nice drop cos it was but my style a little more raw i use vocab but not as much
as the drops i have seen here, oh well

ye ur ok for a new guy ur hate some nice vocab and structure was aight but u could do better with the rymes they were just plain old one syllable rymes try to get mulitpies and get some nice flow

ur ok and soon u will be better keep on trying