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01-15-06, 12:45 PM | #1 | |||
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Ashes of Life
IP: F09A CE5B
Ashes of Life And all the bright and variegated scene, combust the dead, On hills, and groves, and lawns, and reed-built sheds That often had caught the prisoner's ardent eye, Not hopeless of escape, now gradual sunk in to die To one dim hue. Amongst the sable tribes and hills they leapt, Soon spread the alarm; when sudden from the low depths Of crouded holds, and loathsome caverns, rose into the air, One universal yell, of dreaded screams, and most in despair And anguish inexpressible; for it is now crumbled to the ground, Hope's slender thread was broke; the fire's extinguished now The spark of expectation, that had lurked through their poise, Beneath the ashes of their hopes, dreams, and former joys And over despondency's surrounding gloom we search the scarce, Had shed its languid luster. Bold, and fierce Of high indignant spirit, their chains broke off their thighs, Shook menacing, and from their squinted, lowering eyes Flashed earnest of the flame that burnt for years, Whilst groans, and loud laments, and scalding tears Marked the keen pangs of others.Children, and female shrieks, At intervals, in dreadful concert heard, God speaks To wild distraction manly sorrow turned to grins, And ineffectual, over their heedless limbs Was waved the wiry whip, that dropped with blood, As their knees buckled down, and hit the mud Now sunk the mournful day; but mournful still, The night that followed: and the rising morn is killed That spread before the hopeless captives view, Nought, but the wide expanse of air, and sea was blue Heard all their cries with double rage renewed pests, Nor did the storm of headstrong, passions rest Till the third evening closed; nor by degrees, Was hushed; but sudden as the autumnal blast was seized Its rage exhausted sinks at once to rest was coarse, Whilst the wide wood, that bowed beneath its course Declines its wearied branches, thus the strife is sure, Ceased—not a groan, and not even a voice was heard But, as one soul had influenced every child, A sullen stillness reigned. Resigned and mild As if forgot their former sense of wrong, ends turned, They took the scanty fare they lately spurned; And if a tear should mingle, merge with their souls, They know that God is with them for eternity, to start their goals Peace to your shades, yet favoured train, who's stolen, Amidst the generous struggle! over whose limbs were broken The friendly hand of Death, has interposed remorse, His fated curtain; stronger and smarter than human force Nor human malice, nor the deep regret we sang, Of disappointed avarice, ignore the pang Of keen remorse, that gnaws the murderer's peace, And blasts his future joys, can't ever remove his leash ——Secure beneath its guardian gloom, yet they still sleep, In undisturbed repose: no more bad starts for the week At misery's kindred shriek; no more yelll and weeps, Over fond domestic ties, untimely torn through sheets No longer from the oppressor's hand, we ask with lies, The slender pittance, that prolongs, your pitiful lives To lengthened anguish; nor for you prepares you pray, As you watch the breeze blow your mother's ashes away.. |
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01-15-06, 12:53 PM | #2 | |||
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IP: F09A CE5B
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01-15-06, 01:40 PM | #3 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: 13D9 DA46
really feelin this piece man...deep meanin, i can always appreciate drops like this...that talk about this area of life and not pumpin each other full of keyboard keys..lol
overall it is an awesome piece, good imagery and very well written 9/10
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01-15-06, 01:45 PM | #4 | ||||
Just searching.
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IP: 8262 49AE
Pretty deep...the vocabulary was decent, and the structure was alright. An occasional inner-rhyme thrown in made it flow good.
Quote:
I liked those lines. The topic was pretty good as well, not the most original or creative I've seen but it was still an entertaining read. The name of the topic was catchy as well, which is good, because you can have the best poem/topical in the world, but if no one pays attention to it, you may as well not have written it at all. I'll check out some of your other pieces as well. Thanks for leaving feed on Crumbling Kingdom. |
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01-15-06, 01:55 PM | #5 | ||||
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IP: 31C2 62EB
This was a pretty tight peice..you had nice emotions and good feeling..nice imagery i was really feeling this drop i felt you could have used better wordplay and made your lines alittle shorter and made it hit harder but overall it was a pretty nice drop i was really feeling it keep it up.
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The Competition
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01-15-06, 04:43 PM | #6 | |||||
in your system
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IP: 9E2F CDE8
Now sunk the mournful day; but mournful still,
The night that followed: and the rising morn is killed But, as one soul had influenced every child, A sullen stillness reigned. Resigned and mild this was nice, the start i thought, was a bit choppy, but it picked up a nice flow which carried through the piece. well, i totally liked this, except it seemed like you were preaching at the end, and it kinda ruined it a little for me, just because the ending was cool, the start was cool...but i thought you shifted the tone a little in the middle, no biggie, it was a long piece....overall, it was definately worth the read...you have your own style which is good, and you make it work....i dunno, maybe just try and rhyme more syllables for a smoother flow....other than that, good piece, keep writing
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this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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01-15-06, 05:45 PM | #7 | |||
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IP: F09A CE5B
Thanks people, I appreciate it.
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