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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
08-05-06, 06:53 PM
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#1
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New Jack
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you will always be my nig
IP: FBD4 478F
(the girl singing)
side by side they will cry when i die when they die i will cry theyre my friends to the end (the male singing) side by side your still my nig when you lie you choose not to die so you ride not to die your my nig to the end, your much more than a friend your my nig to the end your my ride or die nigga and you chose to ride sometimes i think about what if i had a choice to die i think about me leaving my nigs everynight but i toughin up even though i get close to cryin, life is like half of these whores cause life does suck, all i want from life is respect and a bitch to fuck, i want my pockets to be rich with bucks half of these niggas in my hood im not going to miss cause im sick of their guts half of these girls say they virging when their pussy is easy as sluts and no matter how much they had or have sex they dont want dick going up their butt i know life is moving on and things cant be the same , but you my nig to the end so im getting all emotional that were splitting up like jay z and dame, i feel fire in my eyes and i think it may be the pain i think about new friends and new opportunity so i just think about the gains this shit is like before a boxing match cause it havent hit me yet that were both moving away and i aint even get a chance for one of these broads to get me wet Not Finished Last edited by wiley d : 08-06-06 at 12:21 AM. |
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08-06-06, 01:22 AM
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#2
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-da prophit-
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IP: CF86 0039
structure was off.... flow was a lil too at points. vocab was kinda low. u new and it shows. u have lots of time for improvement. u could use some multies and some more vocab. better wording shit like that.... im not saying its bad. im just saying it aint that good....
keep trying thou...
__________________
im so ill that cancer thinks im its father. |
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08-06-06, 12:36 PM
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#3
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Light Weight
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IP: CF74 5D3A
naw not that good need vocab to help shorten too man miscelaneous words which interferses with the flow however i liked this part and it flows real well use this as an example of where you wanna go
life is like half of these whores cause life does suck, all i want from life is respect and a bitch to fuck, i want my pockets to be rich with bucks the bar after this was way to long and screwed up the flow terrible home but i love thes three and way they flowed |
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08-06-06, 05:13 PM
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#4
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Whys That?
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IP: 5285 DC82
ok, vocab needs to be upp'd. Instead of starting lines with the same word, use a descriptive word.
try keep each bar the same syllble count, makes for better text flow and smoother read. try some multis and a diffrent rhyme scheme from "end line rhymes." Alot of your lines are stretched. I like the concept of this line: this shit is like before a boxing match cause it havent hit me yet but you didnt excecute it with the rest of that bar. overall, i see you have potential to be a solid writer, just need to think outside the box, read some other open mics and get a general idea of how to format and lay out your work and you will be dope. keep dropping bro. |
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