Eh yo, whats crackin?
I'm still workin on this so gimme ya best critique so I can improve on it. Latez -----

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I like to chill in my room and sit on my bed /
While all my fxked up thoughts are running all through my head/
I dream of better days and better ways /
I ain't never satisfied n' I ain't never fazed /
I just wanna leave n' I wanna escape /
My walls are collapse around me, it's too fxcking late /
I drink to drown pain out, It's all in my head /
I may appear alive, but I am almost dead /
The repetition kills me, fxck this school /
You dress like he dress, 'cuz you think he is cool /
But you a damn fool - and you know this /
I could end your life with a gesture of my wrist /
You should stop being fake, 'cuz nobody like you /
You could never run the underground - quite like I do /
Ninjas are living in terrible conditions /
Maintaining the underground without recognition /
The public wants us dead, they say they just don't care /
They hate on our contacts and they hate on our hair /
It's a damn shame --- Who's to blame? /
If you can't slang a hatchet, stay the fuck out the game!

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Now I still got work but if anyone got any advice hook me up, and please don't burn me too bad.. -HPi-

BUMP man shyt, someone give me some constructive feedback, don't let this die.

Yo HP,
It's dope man, keep workin it.
Try incorporate a couple metaphors too.
Give us something that will stick in the mind at the end of your rhyme.

Peace.

Nice. With a little editing I think this would've deserved a five. It went along very well with the beat I have in my head right now, which is the song 'Just Drop Dead,' which is a new song off of the upcoming album by Limp Bizkit. Oh well, I'm rambling... the only thing I see is that your wording at the end of each line is somewhat predictable. It worked out nice in this piece, but might not turn out so well in another. Keep elevatin'. Peace...