this is only half of the rhyme sot ell me what u think so far

Verse 1
feels like its jus 9 months down the drain/
my face dont show the real hearts pain/
feels like its the end of the seeming endless regien/
I dont Know what or how my heart feels/
Unknown if it well get better dunno when it will heal/
my minds more fucked, confused than all of the cast in Ally Mcbeal/
a realationship like a game of darts, throw the dart & hope it hits bullseye/
then if & when it does you'll know cuz you & your partner there till you die/
the tears arent here right now but when you leave tomorrow ye ill cry/
finding the right partner is the hearts primary misson/
sex is just a bye product, so dont find ur partner on sex jus talk n listen/
seems like the time we've been togeather is years/
Ive spent more time with you than all of my peers/
bewdley high school leavers doo class 2003/
in the last picture thats me the one they call the rap guru ye thats me/
the temptation of another girl I jus couldnt over come/
ye from that experience i was pretty dumb/
but ye for my actions ill take full reponceability/
What i did made you angry & was full of negitivity/
now seems like we each gonna go solo/
maybe i can knock myself to you again just like in polo/
people say actions speak louder than words/
but how can love take action so in these words is the only way i can make me heard/
seems im in a boat thats sinking you've already got on the life raft/
ive opened my heart to you on many occastion but now u wana be friends & its jus sounds daft/

Hook
all the small things you did dont go unoticed/
when ive been evil & wrong your mind jus stayed in focus/
the love plague has hit me like a crop to a colective of locus/
i wish sometimes that my life is gonna fail/
if i gave someone a gun let them help me bail/

Hook
all the small things you did dont go unoticed/
when ive been evil & wrong your mind jus stayed in focus/
the love plague has hit me like a crop to a colective of locus/
i wish sometimes that my life is gonna fail/
if i gave someone a gun let them help me bail/

tight drop was feelin it fosure,,,, i notice ur from kiddy u fo real? man i whent to a childrens home in exeter,,,, nough said.... any way i was shaggin a girl from kiddy for awhile,, i used to hitch ma way out those country lanes.. real surprised kiddy has a crew,,, but nice drop any way,, man u wanna talk hit me ba PM word

argh thanks man i PMed ya ne way uppin fo some love

i was feelin this ... lil love poetic type shit .. its hott keep spittin

thanks man uppin fo som more

god dam uppin fo sum more

love this your best work yet, improved vocab! well done

thanks man uppin fo some rapbattles

pretty good stuff here....

Thanks Uppin fo some more

i felt all of dis i loved the flow.............................................. .................................................. ....

hay thanks upping for some more

this has more of a poetic feel..real sensative at that...

it would be better if it digged deeper into a Story-telling perspective than a metaphoric one....just more details....

this was a ok read.....props

take a look at mines..
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=53089

^ thanks man but this a real subject thats happened to me so i didnt really want a story telling on for this but thanks