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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
06-19-03, 08:56 PM
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#1
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Sharp Perfection.
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praying to god
IP: C1DA C961
I use to lay motionless on top on my bed
praying to god you would forget those things i said I use to pray for that someone special to be there to love me and when god sent you to me i almost lost he you were the one he sent me after all my selfish demands i pushed you away every change i had with my own praying hands i loved you but was to scared and lost to show all my love i just took off away from you like a bat after a dove I wish i really could have learned how to show you my devotion then maybe i would not have to cover up all this camotion but its already happened nothing i can do for you now finally i can breath with ease without thinking of how Now you lay motionless on top of my bed and im praying to god to thank him for letting you forget what i said because now the one he sent me is gone from my life and all i had to do was pick up that sharp shinny knife
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven Last edited by filed : 06-19-03 at 10:36 PM. |
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06-19-03, 09:27 PM
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#2
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Sharp Perfection.
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IP: C1DA C961
looking for some replies here
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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06-19-03, 10:31 PM
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#3
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Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 399E F0FD
pls upp this shit
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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06-20-03, 12:44 AM
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#4
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Guest
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IP: CEF5 716F
eh girl yo stuff is deep DEep DEEP with emotion...i feel you...
eh holla http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=58912 |
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06-20-03, 09:55 AM
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#5
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Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 399E F0FD
thx smooth keep uppin
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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06-20-03, 11:58 PM
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#6
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Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4577 CD9A
hello?
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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06-21-03, 01:35 AM
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#7
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Guest
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IP: CEF5 716F
nobody is on girl...i hate it when u need somehting to be commented on and no one really wants to - or they are lazy - or they arent on
-1- |
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06-21-03, 06:54 AM
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#8
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Guest
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IP: 3CA5 EC2C
I hate to see pieces go unnoticed, so I will reply
 Quote:
From the beginning of the piece you can grasp where you were coming from on this one, that is a good technique when writting, always give the reader some background, then take them where you want. Emotion filled in the beginning, very good to have those elements going as well, though the rhyme structure could have been improved beyound the AABB scheme, it worked out here. Quote:
I don't want to say that I hated this stanza, but moreso that you could have done without the rhyme scheme here to give this stanza more depth. It just seemed to be there, no real meaning towards this piece, if there was, then it was minimal. Quote:
Again your rhyme structure held back on the ending; you want that to be the more influential portion of your piece. It seemed a bit rushed as well, though the emotion carried it's weight through here, a few complications with the rhyme scheme hold this piece back a tad, good job though. love.. |
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