it was her eyes that brought me
to this place in my mind
her deep pools of green and brown
leading into the pupil of my happiness
I won't lie I started with her ass
the first day I saw her in class
and there was little more to her....
then I saw deeper, and had conversations
and she brought on these sensations
in my soul....
read my mind like a book, and I stared into those eyes
I would do anything if it would keep them from crying
the day she told me that she had a boyfriend
it killed me, pained me to no end
I told myself that if I really cared, I would let her be happy
and that is what I'm doing, disregarding how I feel and discarding me
and therefore seeing deeper into a selfless abyss
not selfless in this, but myself being gone from all bliss
and her mind told me that she felt something too,
or maybe I speculated too deeply
but I think that somewhere inside of her she knew
that the manifestation of my feelings lay in her keeping
I wanted her so badly that my mind would scream from the pain
and be worthy of her love again, too bad it got lost in the rain
and he took what she would never get back, and I knew
that if I had really cared, I would've been within and clued
that she wanted him. fuck him. well she did. fuck me...
because I was too fucking blind to see
I saw her concentration...that brought me too
around to where her eyes had me in the first place
and I didn't know what to do, but as she rolled that spliff I saw right through
to what she actually believed, and I was a disgrace
she believe I loved someone else. friends? hahaha
thats funny because I would stay with her until the end
even if it was my end, over hers.
Patheic, no doubt but she was like a dream
beautiful white girl, listenin to bone thugs n harmony
urging me on, telling me to write and gave topics
telling me that I needed to get out more
right now she's probably kickin in the tropics
left my boring life for the dominican, I almost hit the floor
she was lucky, going to the place of her dreams,
no laws to ,restrict her, and nothing more than it seems
and she left me where I was, not like it was her choice
but she was always one to have her way with all the boys
and I wanted to be with her forever...
but she never even knew
I hate me for that
---------------------------->
this was written for a spoken word, I'm recording it this week.
it makes very little sense.
Peace

__________________
Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis

Shiznit's Thoughts:

Vocabulary...hmmm...not that much in here but some words were really deep that made it stood out with couple of really good words here and there

i. e.
"disregarding how I feel and discarding me and therefore seeing deeper into a selfless abyss"


FLOW....this keystyle was very nice to read...like even out loud..like its me that who are actually saying those words...it was just smooth not really on the run but it was good...

WORDPLAY...the piece much more elaborated by some simplistic words that really caught my attention

CONTENT....really interesting...reminded me of someone i know...someone that didnt do anything and now regret the fact that he shouldve took the step instead of avoiding it then stepping backwards instead...if that makes sense

the whole piece was really interesting and cuz it was a true to life shit it really amused me

just one thing : DONT BE A PUSSY or else u might just let 'the right' one pass...its better to try not that try at all

i liked it very much pat!

__________________
<br><br><center>- Shiznit -
- Tampons are still expensive -
- That's a Fact - </center>

tis was nice righthere..tis was me forreal...fuc the vocab ^^^
its irrevelant if your deliveries nice and if you ca catch
someones attention

bom ass grl ha he wa with the boysand can get anyone she wanted if she wanted but wants you...but your distant now
hoping to see her someday and be her someone..at tis point the past dosent mtter..you wanna let it go..it screws you up for a while bucause you think of how things would have been but you also wnder ifyou wouldhave enjoyed yourself assuming you probaly would..your aware that people can wait but you cany place arrows above their heads like the sims or sommit....

ths was real and real nice...p3c

Add told me bout you, and he's right.

Good stuff, loved the content thought it was
deep, sometimes you gotta let ure emotions out

nice piece honey.....

thanks you guys
jen, I relly appreciate you input, because it makes more sense than most.

Content, you got the idea exactly right, and thats exactly how shit is for me. At least I got my point across.

Venomiss, I agree about the emotions.

Peace

__________________
Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis

This wasn't that hard to follow understatement. And yes, in a way, i can see this being 'spoken word'.

A piece that was quite pure and 'straight'. You didn't dig too much, you just got your story and feelings onto paper in a poetic form.

And i liked that. It was fairly clear.

critique? Not for this type of piece...

...resp...