I battled this guy, MoRbId, yesterday and I don't know why I lost. Can someone tell me what's wrong with my verse? And how his verse came up with the win? Here... mine's the first one and his is the second. Was my shit too basic or I lost because I spit first. Uppin for some feedback.

MoRbId, you sound like a poor kid
I should send your fuckin ass back to abortion
before I rip you up into tiny little portions
and grill you up so your momma could eat you up like horse shit
My rhymes are so raw once I spit them in your mouth it'll taste like medicine
giving your skin a 2nd degree burn to disintegrate your skeleton
like a Salmonella virus leering your organs and meltin 'em
just like how I fucked up each of your relatives
You look scared as fuck as if I threatened you like I'd beat your ass down in Maine
You can't relate to my shit, and have no one to blame
cuz when I win this battle you'll be doing the "Walk of Shame"
Fuck it, I already know your gonna choke before you say what you say
So spit motherfucker, so I could be the victor of this game
-MC-Viet

Just some advice MC-Viet join a label. ‘Cas you’ll just get fired,//
You suck like your retired, wait…fuck retired,//
Your fuckin’ retarded! Just because you started.//
And know wut? Your shit stinks! At first I thought someone farted.//
Me battlin you has no point, like a broken pencil.//
Battlin fags like you who spit weak shit is so un-suspenseful.//
And you’re only a stupid kid,//
Trying to get high of the dope that I already did.//
U know it’s me that you can’t beat,//
The only way u could win against me is if you cheat.//
And u better go give a vote for yourself hun,//
‘Cas that’s the ONLY way u could possibly get one!//
Now, all I have left say is, “I want you to fuck me bitch!” //
Yeah, just so I can give u AIDS, herpes, and make ur dick itch…//
-MoRbId

Aight ill help you out with this one

MoRbId, you sound like a poor kid
I should send your fuckin ass back to abortion

That was horrible made no sense now you coulda said this

Morbid , you couldnt afford a rhyme , you poor kid
Or send you ass bak to wackness like babies in abortion

or course it aint that good i just freestyled that but it makes much more sense , your puches have to make sense and you have to have decent wordplay

before I rip you up into tiny little portions
and grill you up so your momma could eat you up like horse shit

Once again that shit didnt even make sense dude lets try and fix this ...

Like the meat on my plate, I'll cut you up into tiny portions
This cat isnt worthy of MEat so they left her with the horse shit

Once again isnt that great but i used a metaphore on the first line and it sounds a lot better because it now makes sense like meat your in portions and she isnt worthy of meat so she got the meats shit..

My rhymes are so raw once I spit them in your mouth it'll taste like medicine
giving your skin a 2nd degree burn to disintegrate your skeleton

Once again wat does raw , spitting , and medicine have in common....NOTHING..your rhymes need to make sense dont rabble on and on about random crap leeme try to fix this...

I dont like your flow so i spit it back at ya, like kids who hate they medicine
My rhymes get into your head so quickly they cause 3rd degree burns on ya skeleton

See i used metaphors, if you dont get the second one when sumthin moves quick it creates friction , so it goes so quickly it causes 3rd degree burns... Your flows have to make sence, and metaphors are a must even if they aint that good.. AND SKELETON AND MEDICINE DONT RHYME WORK ON YOUR RHYME SCHEME..

like a Salmonella virus leering your organs and meltin 'em
just like how I fucked up each of your relatives

This line just needs to be erased completely doesnt rhyme at all So just get rid of it and make another cuz this is once of teh worst rhyming attempts ive ever seen...

You look scared as fuck as if I threatened you like I'd beat your ass down in Maine
You can't relate to my shit, and have no one to blame

this line is OK but it could be fixed with just a little thing...

You look scared as if I threatened you like I'd beat your ass down in Maine
You can't relate to my shit.. and have no one to blame

All i did was delete "as fuck" cuz its irrelevant, and instead of a comma i put two ".." makes the pause more comfortable...

cuz when I win this battle you'll be doing the "Walk of Shame"
Fuck it, I already know your gonna choke before you say what you say
So spit motherfucker, so I could be the victor of this game

It was a good finisher but i could fix the second line

Fuck it, I already know your gonna choke before you say what you have to say

Just sounds better and this is the transformation of the verse

Started with-
MoRbId, you sound like a poor kid
I should send your fuckin ass back to abortion
before I rip you up into tiny little portions
and grill you up so your momma could eat you up like horse shit
My rhymes are so raw once I spit them in your mouth it'll taste like medicine
giving your skin a 2nd degree burn to disintegrate your skeleton
like a Salmonella virus leering your organs and meltin 'em
just like how I fucked up each of your relatives
You look scared as fuck as if I threatened you like I'd beat your ass down in Maine
You can't relate to my shit, and have no one to blame
cuz when I win this battle you'll be doing the "Walk of Shame"
Fuck it, I already know your gonna choke before you say what you say
So spit motherfucker, so I could be the victor of this game

Ended with-
Morbid , you couldnt afford a rhyme , you poor kid
Or send you ass bak to wackness like babies in abortion
Like the meat on my plate, I'll cut you up into tiny portions
This cat isnt worthy of MEat so they left him with the horse shit
I dont like your flow so i spit it back at ya, like kids who hate they medicine
My rhymes get into your head so quickly they cause 3rd degree burns on ya skeleton
like a Salmonella virus leering your organs and meltin 'em
just like how I fucked up each of your relatives
You look scared as if I threatened you like I'd beat your ass down in Maine
You can't relate to my shit.. and you have no one to blame
cuz when I win this battle you'll be doing the "Walk of Shame"
Fuck it, I already know your gonna choke before you say what you have to say
So spit motherfucker, so I could be the victor of this game


I could make it better but thats just a taste of how to make your verses better . Now doesnt the 2nd look much better?? If you need further help just holla at me through a PM

MicD OuT

awwwww iznt Mic'd jus so sweet fo helpin tha kid? hahaha

An .... MC, im not a guy so. dont give ppl tha wrong impression will ya?
thanx alot.

Basically Everything That Mic'd Said But Still Ya Verse Is Too Basic...And Make Sure It Rhymes Aswell...Most Of Ya Lines Didnt Rhyme...That Cant Be Happening When Writing A Text Verse...Look For More Complexity In Ya Verse...Over Time You Will Elevate But Its Good To Know What Ya Gotta Start Lookin For Now...Basically Read The Tutorial Sub-Forum...Has Everything Ya Need And Its All Perfectly Explained...Good Luck...

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