Hold on tight as i invite you back to a time before pain/
Before my homie Jake got mowed down by that train/
Before me and Jamie stood outside it the rain, petrified and scared of lies of getting caught again/
Before the police were on patrol in our hood/
Before the good name of Brokka was dragged through the mud/
The ground where we stood, as we laid little Jonny to rest/
Before that time/
Long before i was obsessed, with the world of the rap game, the world of Tupac/
Before it didnt really matter if you were white or black/
Before i got into drugs, before i was hunted down by the law/
Before i became so drunk i just lay on the floor/
For the first time, Before i penned my first rhyme/
Before i put one perfect toe way outta line/
To before i was born, or even expected/
Before i came into the world and on my way out rejected/
Before i was infected, by all the hate and the shit/
Before i knew the expression of 'bricking it'/
Before i had love for my family, or even knew them at all/
Before i had eminems picture plastered to my wall/
I cannot remember this far back, but i know for certain it must have been whack/
Because if i was there why didnt i care what had happened?/
To the start of the world, thats where i'm taking you back to/
shit started the minute humans walked the earth, it aint new/
So think of us all when your feeling sorry for you/

moral: everybody goes through shit, always has, always will, theres no way to avoid it, shit happens.

I know it wern't the best thing i've ever written but it was a shot, it didnt take that long to write, n e way i'd be glad of some feedback y'all, help me improve and be on the way to uppin this shit.

peace and love ~REPLY~

i like the theme of everything starting with before

i am really feeling this kid, the vocab was a little on the weak side but the flow more than made up for it

keep dropping like this and stay out of trouble... damn liquor

likin ya flo, but could do wit some good punch lines, wheres the multis? .....................ya rhymes could rhyme more......... meaning instead of havin the last of each line, try some in the middle.

peace dawg..............................................

and why not break it up some.............................. or add anova verse, or chorus

done good..........................................out

Thanx for the feed i appriciate ur opinions n advice!!!!

Peace and Love

xx xx xx xx xx xx

you vocab was weak..you structure was coo...your wordplay was not good...and one of the contrabutions to such failure was stuff like this

Long before i was obsessed, with the world of the rap game, the world of Tupac/
Before it didnt really matter if you were white or black/

listen to how ya end rhyme sounds...black and tupac...the anunciation on both words dont match....get it?...(and so what if i spelled anunciation wrong)

Before i got into drugs, before i was hunted down by the law/
Before i became so drunk i just lay on the floor/

same with this....law and floor...have nooooo rhyme what-so-ever....

you had a flow then you lost it in the piece...when i mean flow...EVERYTHING...EVERY line has to almost transition from one to another..

it just looks like some of your lines were just started over on a different flow...

keep reading...keep studying you'll get it eventually...


igido

__________________
freelance

RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S

k madd preacher i getcha nigga. i'm'a tryin to improve, i'll make it in the end.

peace and love

keep postin

lol...u kno i still preciate you ma...

uppin fo others to critique


igido

__________________
freelance

RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S

that was a pretty hot drop you need to elevate a little but i still think your shit was hot good drop

thanx y'all, keep posting....plz check out my poetry in scriptures, i'm much better at that then i am at this open mic.

peace and love

eagerly w8n your veiws

The moral of this verse was so true, the verse talked about the stuff that happens in peoples lives, and what everyone goes through. That's a pretty well done verse if you ask me.

Hold on tight as i invite you back to a time before pain/
Before my homie Jake got mowed down by that train/
Before me and Jamie stood outside it the rain, petrified and scared of lies of getting caught again/


(Those lines were Dope)


Dope Drop Liba Dee. Crazy Ill Certainly..