Ive looked in this desert for water
maybe I need to be lookin harder
same groove same game
that always makes me feel the pain
twisted lives trip on the twisted vines
of the secrets we try to hide
why cant we just let go of our selfish pride
open up and let each other inside
so tired of the cold, of not being in
so tired of being bold, and i dont win
tell me whats the use?
puttin our hearts through this abuse
you think you found the one, but instead
you become a recluse.
broken thoughts and broken dreams
quickly you find people arent what they seem
hidden scars on hidden hearts marred
by the past that haunt till you breathed your last
till then we keep our masks held on tightly
only exposed to say our prayers nightly
"as i lay me down to sleep, i pray you my lord
heart keep, and if i die before i wake
that would take me from this awful place
i pray my lord, my soul youd take"
wake to a new morn
but everyday seems ive already borne
cant get much worse the pain the hurts
this weight on my shoulders
carryin them on my back like boulders
the emotions and guilt
of relationships gone that were once built
so one day this pain'll be gone that seemed infinite
and maybe that day i will lose my discontent

yo, im not one for askin much uppin but could
some rep to this. first posted poetic script.

one thing i felt was that u had a little too many styles in one poem, not a good thing, a word of advice is to try to keep a thing u start simple, simple, u actually went off that and became a lil more complex and a lil more deep, which is good if only tha whole poem is in that sense...

good topic though, n if u want peeps to check this, check othas first...

one-

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intro- could have been better, try to catch the readers attention at first so they want to keep reading

structure- at the first its pretty well done, but then it changes to a slightly different structure, then back again. like said before try keeping it simple, because if i have to keep trying to figure out how its going now, it takes away from the poem

message- was a pretty good one, and i could see your own personal uniqueness in there when describing something thats been done lots before.

vocab- fit the piece, you didnt over do it by throwing in a bunch of big words to try to make it lots better or something

over all i liked the message and the intent, feeling, but i think you can work on the basics of it some

~Tera~

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