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07-28-03, 09:24 AM | #1 | ||||||
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Tone
IP: 06BF 8154
Stayed up all night again..Thinking of your ways/
Thinking of all of my..Well spent days/ Sitting with you in a park or talking late night on the phone/ Thinking about the first time I got to hear you beautiful tone/ Your voice your laugh your cry all in my mind/ My body your body my mind your mind all intwined/ Being as one being as two never seperated though/ Knowing what you liked so never go the answer of no/ Still together through no rough times isn't it something/ Just looking in your eyes I can tell what your always wanting/ You want the same thing I dreamt for as a young adult/ To be in love with someone under their spell like a cult/ Weve found each other and I know that we will grow old as one/ Never fighting always loving with joy as you give me my first son/ That's later down the road for now were teen's growning older/ Waking up in the morning knowing I just want to hold her/ 17 now so many say we dont know what were saying/ Telling us love is just a game that we are playing/ It's not true you know like I do that we are destined/ To be together forever like we were conjoined twins/ Hold on before i finish let me answer the phone/ Wait what? Hold on I dont understand your tone/ She's what..She's what? No that just cant be/ She cant be dead I didnt go too..She left me/ I was writing her a poem to symbolize our love/ How could she leave me now and go to god above/ Our love is now over from one ring of a phone/ Both of our voice's use to be heard..Now it's mono-tone/ |
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07-30-03, 09:07 PM | #2 | ||||||
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IP: 84B7 08E9
Was quite pure in the way you depicted the emotions and imagery. You also seemed to try and explore in more depth, with the results being hit and miss (the hits being very much felt). A simplicity that held a BIT of complexity, no, i think more so deep feeling.
...no critique. SOme pieces i just don't feel like criticising (always constructively of course), and this is one of them. For whatever reason, it is my own.. ..resp... EDIT: Funny thing is, i was just browsing through the 2nd page. After replying to your piece. I see you're browsing the forum also. A coincidence, eh?... |
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