Wrote this one in a matter of minutes last night. It's a bit repetative, I might retouch it a bit.

----

From your arrival to departure,
I looked beyond the sands of time.
Though you've left me in person,
I still feel you here inside.

Your presence means a lot to me,
You travel every step with mine.
I love to know you're with me,
But for your comfort, still, I pine.

In spirit you are with me,
In body you are not.
Which is more important,
Well...maybe, I forgot?

I want you here,
I need you here,
Sometimes it's not enough.

So now I'll take a walk outside,
and hope you cross my path.

Real Emotion Throughout This
The Vocab Was Normal But Your
Emotion Carried It,..Many People
Can Relate To Your Last Two Lines
But You Cant Wait All Your Life For
One Moment...Hitting Fifty And Still
Waiting For A Special Moment Makes
Me Sick...Im Not Fifty Years Old.....

This Was And Alright Poem..Dig Deep
Into Your Emotions And Pull Your Talent Out

And Reply To Others When you Have The Chance To...
Everyone Needs Constructive Criticism Besides Yourself

Peace

~Content~

I got a real serene feeling from this piece. It was smoothly done, you wrote with purity. Allowing a certain un-cut feeling to. Like it's there, raw, for us all to see. Not done up too much or anything.

Well executed. I just suggest over the days, weeks and maybe even months and years. Bit by bit, go over it, add on, change things. Stuff like that. Or leave it how it is. Depends what it meansd to you i guess. I'll shut up now.

..resp...

I kinda get the feeling from reading this that the words you chose are quite the same as what you wanted to say exactly.

But anyway, this peice can really flow off the tongue. Except for the last two lines in the second verse, it went off rather flawlessly. It was rather seemingly mundane, but it had that emotion of longing that permiated throughout it. And that was done clear and concise.

So this was a pretty well done peice all around.

~Shalom~

__________________

Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

Thanks much guys. Means a lot.