pratically particular to secular sections of self salvation
praising the faces of the faceless racists inthis nation
"war time efforts" elevated to mass celebration
leading us all into the pit of temptation
the expiration of this mitigated perforation
has my mental picture situated in permanent hibernation
when will love for life enter the equation
sending unkind acts into perennial evasion

staking a claim in my basement back to basic containment
at peace with my self imposed lonely life arrangement
pictures painted are looked at with undisguised disdainment
tainted by "sainted" places as a secular entertainment
awake by a change in nature on a mission of spiritual attainment
in vain i rack my brain to solidify our holy estrangement
so i peruse these texts to find where our collective pain went
and mollify those who ask why or what that cryptic saying meant

duly noting that knowing surely will leave me coping
under the constant struggle of forever hoping
so i continue toking tolling for the voting
simple sentences simmer inner peace has no center
in the end there is no winner who could sustain this bleak winter
and end in heaven pure and clean an uncontested sinner
back to the shadows recesses i enter without a cry or whimper
to speak to the "morning star" my forever faithful mentor

Nice one. I haven't read any of your previous pieces, but it was really mature and the rhyming was flawless. It was steady and flowed well.

Thumbs up from me.

This would be an excellent peice, but, the vocabulary seemed false, you really overdone it to the point where it seemed you were roaming the squalid filth in which you lived for a huge word to impress with.

That was not an insult, an example, i hardly used any big words and it sounded 'advanced' When one can sound intellectual without use of intellect, they are truly an intellectual

Simply, be more natural, the point and flow of the poem was good, though, and you reached you're anger/depression at life's mistakes proudly and well...Simply needs more emotion and less fabrication......
Good drop, in all other area's though, enjoyable and readable, and don't re-vamp, as i've said our mistakes, or other's opinions of us make us who we are...

~pratically particular to secular sections of self salvation
praising the faces of the faceless racists in this nation~

close to Chali2NA(Tuna) catching eyes quick homie...
hes in his own world..nobodys better than close...

~pictures painted are looked at with undisguised disdainment
tainted by "sainted" places as a secular entertainment
awake by a change in nature on a mission of spiritual attainment
in vain i rack my brain to solidify our holy estrangement~

this is good but it seems like you just went fishing
for words here instead of just writing it..which isnt
bad either...but may make the vocabulary
seem "false" reading it

in your third section you flow got lost after about
your forth line....then you got it at the end...
you might speed up but I doubt it looking at
its structure...mid tempo...

Simply needs more emotion and less fabrication......

Deciets not knockin...im not knocking...were crew...
and your pure talent...but dig deep in yourself for that..
write throgh wrters block instead of searching for
words to connect.

Peace

~Content~

The way I see it, when a person trys to come up with those multi-syllable rhyming words in quick repitition it just doesn't seem right. I mean, obviously it takes a lot of skill and talent to do it. But when someone like me recognizes that talent, they see it not in terms of what a person is trying to say but rather their ability to craft the words that they are saying.

I dunno, it's hard to explain. But at least the problem only lasted for a verse. In the second verse, I knew exactly what you were saying. I knew exactly the message you were trying to come across with. And if anything the complex word crafting actually helped it along.

All in all this peice was rather awe inspiring in a wordsmith sense.

~Islam~

__________________

Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

Wow.
Im trapped inside your head.
Im asking myself 'Why have we (mankind) forsaken Ourselves?!'
Before I have time to answer my minds left me behind again...

This had a 12 Monkeys type feel to it to me.. It brought on such a range of emotions, like a roller coaster..Id barely have time to realise one, when the next one would hit me..
To me, the complex word phrasing was awesome, it only added to the frustration and ranting thoughts I felt I was having while reading this piece.. and yet the message was loud and clear.

The faster I read it the better it tasted. The flow was so good I could hear the words inside my head sounding off to a steady beat.. Loved it.

Kudos~

__________________

yo hot piece... great flow and massive wordplay.
I must admitt you need to cut down on the vocab though... but as I read it again and again it just flows and that's the way it's gotta be.
I felt like it kinda fell apart at the middle but you got your scheme and rhyme back up.
I'd give the piece 9/10
great work

peace