Everyday people demonstrate a state of hate
Usin fists instead of lips to translate
Bruised and battered people start to cry
Hands together, tears drippin, lookin to the sky
Askin god for care, with a deep hearted prayer
A pain free day......very rare

Home from work, open up the door
Seein more cans of beer on the floor
He's drunk again, nothin more then a constant trend
"Snap to reality, the problem is no longer pretend"
Attempted a Conversation
He can't speak due to the Intoxication
He's now passed out, beer spilling from the can
"You know you shoulda ran, yet stick next to your once great man"

Lookin at him, you remember the good days
No dark clouds upon the marriage just bright rays
Highschool sweethearts, dating since the age of fifteen
At the prom voted, homecoming king and queen
"Now hand in hand, the two of you never seen"

Startin to shake, he's now awake
"He's gunna make a miskake, a life he will take"
you hand him water and bread, as he can barely stand
Addin a little scotch, claimin water is bland
Startin to weep, beggin and pleading
For him to seek help, and stop this relationships bleeding
Alcohol, it’s an addiction, always wantin another drink
His breath is full of booze, really does stink
You refuse to get him the beer
He's blowin a fuse, in you striking fear
Screamin to get him just one
You say you can’t, as their all done

That he doesn't believe, he goes to the fridge for a drink to retrieve
You try to sneak away, about to leave
Before you can make your escape, he runs you down
Sayin without you, he will constantly frown
Crying and Screaming, sayin you don't care, this life of yours just isn't fair
Gunna leave until Alcohol and him aren’t a pair
"Last moments now, flash back of your life"
You beg him to calm down, but he picks up the knife

From the heavens you hear and begin to shed joyus tears
Finding out he'll no longer abuse or drink more beers
Jail for life, no hope for him in the distance
A life of paradise for you for the rest of existance

question: i never seen an open mic which expresses something happy lol- {UNEEK}

Very poignant the visuals were off the hook, there were some parts where I wasn't feeling your flow but I think that was me.
The topic was nice it's been done before I like how you did the piece from the perspective of the female that is really hard to do(unless you are a female). the ending was....different it was happy and sad at the same time. Usually I quote a couple of verses but nothing stood out good or bad pretty good drop. Thank you for the experience.

it was pretty hard doin it from that perspective, and nope I'm not a female. Thanks for the comments....

uppin uppin

Should be ' One Drink Too Many' - hahaha!

Opener was good, nice use of internal rhyming to sustain the flow, and strong imagery used, you seemed to fade off towards the middle in my opinion, this topics been done over and over and you tried to write it through the eyes of his partner / wife but at times it was off because you sacrificed content for flow, and at times you did vice-versa so the flow was off, but you built up the imagery - you need to try to get an even balance between the two. Ending left me kind of. . unsatisfied, you brang it to an abrupt end and that finished it too quickly, it could of done w/ more emotion about how the woman was feeling and such, more multi's and internals may of helped, but the imagery was your strongest aspect, just work on your flow and try to get an even balance betwen the two.

Not a bad piece, its just constructive critisism.

Reply to mine:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=72095

__________________
W o r d P e r f e c t

conscious, deep, moving, sick shit man, reminded me a bit of my childhood lol, but ill shit bro, keep dropping

His breath is full of booze, really does stink

lines like this lose you flow while you got
it going well in everything

you said beer / alcohol a million times but this
was the topic you foucsed on and it wasnt bad at all

theres just some parts where your flow gets lost
but you picked up when it fell off...

this is more of a poetry piece....not knockin..
all rhymes are poetry homie..not bad

peace


check poetic scriptures ~spoken word~