"All These Gamez"

I don't wanna flip when I kno u been wit otha girls,
Too much pride between you and I.
Not a jealous one, but I kno niggaz lie.
I guess that's just what sum niggaz do.
I kno it could have never been just us two.
Never loved you enough to trust u.
We just met and we just messed..it's true.
I do know one thing though,
Niggaz...they come, they go,
Try me, then replace me for some stank ho.
This is y i said no in the beginning.
We barely just started, now it's all ending.
Why did u even want a chance with me?
I kno that u didn't even really care about me.
I was just anotha bitch to u hu?
But I peeped your game tha whole time.
U kno it wasn't hard to figure out that u weren't all mine.
I had girls comin at me with conversations they had wit u.
Come on now, stop lyin and be tru.
U act like u don't kno what's goin on,
And u sayin that I got it all wrong.
But i kno az much az u kno,
That u was messin around wit sum otha ho'z.
Yet tha whole time I tryed to fix everything,
Knowing you'd still just remain playing me.
But now i kno after all of this...
I was alwayz just anotha bitch.

uppin 4 sum feedbak~1luv~

This wasn't as good as the other, experiences, it was a mix of an angry confusion, but it seemed more like a rap than poetry...
There's a level of emotion, something that makes words hazy, and that makes a poem...

I liked the quickfire lines, straight to tha point, and the repetition of 'niggaz' it showed, in my eyes, an angered and generalized feel, i liked the stereotyping caused by your worries...

You simply needed more heart in this, i liked the idea but there wasn't too much of a grabbing conclusion...

An elevated peice, not as good as experiences, but kep droppin ,and about other things, rather than jus love and relationships...

this wasnt that bad at all..some parts of it were repetative
but yo got your feeling across...this could have definately
been expanded into diffeent realms to make it more
enticing to the readers...but its yours...and not bad...
continue elevating and adding creativity to your
writing..your stories..your life

la paz

Shiznit's Thoughts:


Alright. I really do agree with them. Not what ive expected. The other one was better formatted than this one.

But despite all that, I have to close this for now. Its just that certain rules are needed to be implemented. Keeping everything in order. Its much better doing that and not having to clean up this forum again. So once your other piece is already on the previous pages. PM any mods in this forum to open it up for you.


P.S.

If you want more feedbacks, try giving some to others. Help one another.


Thanks.

__________________
<br><br><center>- Shiznit -
- Tampons are still expensive -
- That's a Fact - </center>

Up you go...

(remember not to post more than one piece i a day or so. As Shiznit said, rules need to be implemented.)...

well, in my opinion liek the first half was a rip of eminem's superman song,
all you did was like change one or two words,
but as i read on it got better
anyway keep droppin

fucking finally... make that phrase into a banner and hang above this forum...

IMHO... it wasn't doing it for me. I may have not liked it partly because of the eminem cover, but even then it was pretty unoriginal and basic. You could amp it up a bit, keep posting though...

__________________
"life is a game, you have to choose a side to play
if i gotta pick a position, i'mma pick missionary."

don't wanna flip when I kno u been wit otha girls,
Too much pride between you and I.
Not a jealous one, but I kno niggaz lie.
I guess that's just what sum niggaz do.
I kno it could have never been just us two.
Never loved you enough to trust u.

~reworded from superman by eminem~

come on girl be creative we're not stupid

CLOSED at the request of Eternal Evidence.