i actually did this a while back on a dif board but the guy no-showed and i got no feedback. so here it is.

I met Jimbaneeni the leprechaun at a local wishing well long ago. He gaurenteed me 2 wishes and a 3rd if i answered his riddle,which he told me at that time, correctly. Here's what happened...

me
Jimbaneeni

the first wish i tried was at the tip of my tongue/
from seeing hurt in the eyes of my brother since young/
under the hovering sun looking at Jim i said calmly../
"wish numbers one: cure Jason's cerbral palsy"/
he said "thats a costly wish but it shall be granted"/
did cartwheels around me, dirt filled with his handprints/
he said some rambeling, finished with "shut your eyes"/
they closed, to my suprise I saw Jason standing/
I sat down immidiatly once i saw his build/
emotions ran wild along side Jason in a field/
opening my eyes i was trembling all over/
things seemed different, only came to Jimba's shoulder/
he said "every action has an equal opposite"/
"no matter what fashion you ask, im profitless"/
looking at myself i "understood" what he meant/
"I dont care about my health, just happy Jay's content"/

What's your second wish? maybe infinite gold?/
"erase the wrecklessness of my father", i told/
"erase drugs sold and substance addiction"/
"erase love stole and become him a Christian"/
I then had visions as Jim did a dance/
Dad walking out of prision, Jim shakin his pants/
Pops stood in a stance, proud, at the up-risin gates/
I went in a trance, awoke, living his fate/

I sat with barracaded thoughts awaiting my Jimba/
disecting the words of his perplexing enigma/
tired of resting cause its a hell-hole in this jail/
plus i've been wrestling with the riddle told by the well/
Jim fell through later that night while all were sleeping/
"I'll tell you once again my question of decieving"/
"what has no content, yet you are able to see it"?/
"a hole or Defcon's verse, whichever's convinent"/
Jimba's eyes glew green, "a single wish and we're done"!!!/
my mind then dreamed of many more but i get one/
I recalled the sunshine from earlier today/
"transform my plump spine into a sparrow's vertebra"/
"i wish to fly from here, change me into a bird"/
"I'll miss my life thats clear, my fam gets another turn"/
with twinkling ears and blinking eyes he changed me/
i wrinkled down in size and body shifted rearranging/
once JOEBIRD was complete I flew fast past guards../
out the jail to grieve in my dad's backyard/

It's a very interesting verse I must say, very different from most, but I did like it. The flow was great, and there seemed to be quite a bit of emotion. It could be a good video haha.

^^"very different from most"^^

thanks

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""Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you." --Abraham Lincoln, speech, September 11, 1858

uppin

somebody please tell me the parts that you didnt like so i can improve. hell i dont care if you tell me you hated it all if you give a good reason and i can grow off of it.

__________________
""Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you." --Abraham Lincoln, speech, September 11, 1858

uppin

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""Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you." --Abraham Lincoln, speech, September 11, 1858

Very, very impressive piece. The structure tended to be more enjoyable to read during the middle and latter parts of the piece, as its complexity seemingly maximized. I'm usually not moven enough by stories to respond, however, this was one of another breed. . I'd be interested to know what the topic was in the supposed match-up you had to write this for.


Although it wasn't a particularly moving line, it was worded perfectly - speaking of which, come back to WP!


An example of the wit you displayed in this piece. Coupled with the advanced, yet, not-quite-incessant vocabulary, I can't believe you didn't get any more feedback.


Post some more. I think I remember you saying you could only get on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but when you read this, drop your SoundClick page for me. .
Good Job.

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yeah, i cut you jsut cause i thought
you were unactive.
ill put you back on the roster if you say
the word.

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sweet, i got real feedback. thanks G. Hod. i'll edit my soundclick in here in about 30 min. for you.

Fast thats be cool but i still cant post as much as you all are lookin for so its up to you.

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""Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you." --Abraham Lincoln, speech, September 11, 1858