I hear gun shots and im knocked off my feet
the guy runs away like its a fucking treat
struggling to get up i dont know what to do
people walkin around me like i had the flu
i finally get up i get on my way
i need a hospital right away
i lost a lot of blood im gonna pass out
somebody please help me out
trying to get a taxi but they wont let me in
they are acting like being injured is a sin
i finally get a cab to take me to the emergency room
they give me drugs im knocked out real soon
i wake the next morning and im fine
i say to myself revenge is mine
this little nigga has stepped out of line
im gonna find that nigga
that pulled the trigga
i get in my car and go searchin
i talk to people and i start learnin
about this guy who had shot me
i learned where he goes for hennesy
i go to the gun shop to purchase a piece
i start thinking about my niece
i show up to tha store and check out the glocks
i grab a 22 with a dozen shots
i show up to his house with revenge on my mind
i wait till about 20 past nine
i see the lil bitch pull up to his house
im going to sneak up as quiet as a mouse
he steps out of his car and i get out of mine
i pull out my pistol and i shoot nine
the nigga falls to the ground covered in blood
i look at him and say red is the color of blood

decent peice, simple but had a story to it, vocab needs work but this was a nice peice

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Corrupted Visions

^the storytelling aspect was the best part.

Your need to elevate like MAD. All your rhymes are with simple, one syllable words. Some of them didn't even rhyme.
You had no wordplay. You didn't use any metaphors or similes. I can understand you're just starting out, so just glance at a few pieces from guys like Camarac and Sand, and look at the depth of what they say. If you combine that with your storytelling, you have potential to be dope.
Also, you need a good topic. This was stupid. Everybody writes about shit like this. People getting shot, talking about gun violence and how ghetto you are. It's senseless. Write about something that means something to you. Love, Life, God. That sort of thing.
Up it a lot, kiddo, and you'll be decent
Peace

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Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis

while i agree that you need to get better dont feel bad, your better than i was

the story aspect really was good, but it really was simple... sometimes less is more... you could have said something like

like i was black in the past, took a while to catch that cab

it says alot in 1 line, and it took you like 3 to say that, the topic is kinda played but your own flavor to it made it worth a look

keep dropping and stay up
its that simple

you wrote a ballad.............a simple one.........but still a ballad all the same......like everyone said up your vocab add a little wordplay to spice things up..........the concept was a little played but again it came off nice because you stuck to your story line.....if this wasn't so simple it has potential to be extremely dope........1