The restless tormented winds strip cleanly throu each other
fighting over fields that smell of fresh grown strawberries
beating each other down for land they want to own
overlooking certain beauty in some of the purest unknows

may one non-predicted day come that they will settle and see
that the beauty in the fields they own could never over pass thee
they might pause a moment and breath in the crisp tangy sights
that cause a thousand brilliant feelings shivering, shakings slight

Where the endless river forever flows into the not seen distance
is where some exisiting day our two souls will face again
to be able to look into the eyes that have seen what sights i did
and i mind that seemed to pulse to a beat my heart had provided

The two sets of feet settle on the salt glazed rocks
inches divided them once,slowly backed away,they become lost
till eternal distance of oceans and grass fell in between
yet the two minds so close together as if the space where none indeed

no spoken words, but still a communicating sound
lush and simple, but quiet cause silent has no sound
the heartfelt message sent with the beats that keep them alive
will forever be exchanged, till one who passes with out name dies

looking for some feedback

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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It started out strange. A juxtoposition of good and bad. Line two talks about strawberry fields. Strawberry fields are a good thing. Line three talks about beating each other down. Beating aint a cool thing. And yet you mixed those two things and it worked. It's kooky, like summmer soup.

But I was really feeling the last two paragraphs the most. Those I really felt. It's like here two people are, standing right next to each other. Entirely mute, so close to touching. And then they just drift away without saying a word. It's saddening, yet enlightening and good.

Good because there were two people there and they were connected and even when they were apart they had something non-corperal holding each other together. That's more than a lot of folks have. Dunno if you ment it or not, but you managed to keep a juxtoposition of good and bad of a different sort at the end.

~Shalom~

BTW, Love your new avatar. From what I can see it reminds me of something Boris Vallejo would've painted.

*Wonders if you've been looking at the same pornogrophy*

Attached Images

cry1.jpg (3.0 KB, 47 views)

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Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

nice piece man...elevate in some parts but overall nice piece...keep it up

LOL no i found the pic in someones profile on msn and loved it so i stuck it in, thanks for taking time to reply

~Tera~
DONT HATE

i think i might change my avatar to the way you changed it, it looks better that way. thx

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Spelling was a bit off at times, i though for a piece of this kind. And a piece that in a sense seems so complete. You could've gone over it a bit. Made it easier for the reader.

Nonetheless, imagery was the most striking thing in this. Beautiful, graphic, intense...

The meanings i got out of this were mixed. But it's a piece that doesn't necessarily need to have a meaning that stands out.

One was the constant yearning for power that plagues humanity. And therefore, plagues the earth. For instance, the one between two nations. Like India and Pakistan fighting over Kashmir. It goes way beyond the whole 'justice' thing. They ignore the beauty of Kashmir, and the rights of it's people. Destroying it and it's people.

There's also the one of maybe two brothers or friends. Rivals below the frail cover of their friendship. Ignoring the bigger picture and what they achieve. Of their ever growing rivalry.

There's one more wich stands out. The fiery, consistently inconsistent relationship between two lovers. But i wont go into that.

Overall, i felt the meaning was a bit here and there. Maybe cos you hid it so well under the dence imagery and what not.

At first glance one might say you over crowded certain lines. Elaborating a bit too much at times,. But then once you dig into it, you can realise it's actually fitted in nicely.

This was a piece ridden with vivid and varying imagery. That was the focal point of the piece. The core of it. And you executed it well (put it together well).

...resp...

By the way. Typical girl. Your masquera is running...

thx all for taking time to really reply

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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good piece, some parts you could have elavated an brought more creativity or indepth vocab but al lin all great drop home boy

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461