Paz,
The peace and love we lack
Terrible things I see and feel because
of the way you act
The fire in your belly reacts so quickly
Twice and once one in the same
My life is fading I'm losing this game
A payer to end the pain and sorrow
Hopefully soon today or tomorrow
But it's not of this world to be taken
Please from this horrid night mare may I awaken
When will I, because I’ve been pinching and shaken
Trimble and turn Twist and scream
Night terrors although this is not a dream
Life hurts deep, Aching can never be stopped
No pill nothing can make this pain drop
Tears fall anger fills my hearts
Hate consumes all art
Strength is over rated I want this to end
No one notices my tears because the mask blends
Trust is a fairy tale told to toddlers
By the givers of life who turn into midnight robbers
Tears Drop, Tears Drop, tears stop
I am all cried out
Good bye cruel world with me you can do with out
I no loner, want to be a pawn in this game
No longer will I try, for it to be only in vein
Rain Falls on my head all ready so put me in a hole
Let me rot next to the rat scrubs and moles
Let the worms eat my body hands and hair
I don't want to live because no body cares
I hate me life so let it end
Let it end
Let it end
And it shall end………………………………………†¦..

__________________
I live to die and
Destance my self to Feel
My life is an oxymoran
Like a suicide Pill

good piece, it showed good emotion..some sketchy lines an flow...keep elavatin but this was good keep it up

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

On the technical side, these peice would have been better if it didn't rhyme. And the line "Good bye cruel world with me you can do with out " I think would've worked well as "Good bye cruel world you can do without me"

But that's just my imaginings.

But aside from that, this was a very depressive, dark, self-loathing, seemingly suicidal peice that people like me have come to know and love. They're common, yes, but everyone comes with their own special touch. And you came with your own too. It's good, and if anything, if you kept writing perhaps that would let the pain end. Just a thought.

~Shalom~

__________________

Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

Hmm...

I dont know all that much about poetry butt his would even be a good open mic drop..

Keep writin girl...

all lyrics are poetry...all lyrics are poetry...
you would get more feedback if you replied
to more people...noones gonna look at shit
if you dont reply to theirs with more than
one sentence replies...this isnt just for you
its for evertone in this damn forum....

as for you poem...open mic would tell you to post
it here instead and those that would reply would
say 'nice shit ma..keep flowin' how does that make
anyone better that wants constructive criticism...

"gotta lotta love..not enough friends" Slug

trust is there theres just a select few that are trustworthy
individuals on earth as it is..im from mars..your poem
was depressing like necro said and his critiques
make everything flow and sound better...

reply to more people and you'll get more replies

This touched me were others haven't. To relate is one thing but to experience is another. It read well and the way i read it drew me in. Nice peice, with most respect.

any women out there, please read my peice "A Woman" I would like to get some more opinions on it to help me to a greater peice.
Thank you

Ok, just wondering about something here. You speak about constructive criticism and those famous one line replies here...




Then right here you give...a famous one line reply. The rest of your post wasn't even about the poem. If the one line replies are going to stop, shouldn't the mods be leading the way?

Don't edit my post just cause you may not like it, Content. I don't mean any disrespect here.
-----------------------------------------------
Now onto this poem. Hopefully, Chase gets to see the response before Content edits my post. I'm sure it's coming.

Your style is a little different than the others I've read on here. This one seemed more desperate and dark. A really emotional writing with good imagery that helps the reader feel what you're saying.

Please from this horrid night mare may I awaken
When will I, because I’ve been pinching and shaken
Trimble and turn Twist and scream
Night terrors although this is not a dream

Those lines were good. Trying to wake yourself up from something so horrible it has to be a dream but isn't. Nicely written.

Strength is over rated I want this to end

That single line stood out to me the most in this. You put up with something for a long enough time and you're not gonna care about being strong. You just want it to be over with. I guess I felt it cause of what I've been going through lately.

Good bye cruel world with me you can do with out
I no loner, want to be a pawn in this game
No longer will I try, for it to be only in vein
Rain Falls on my head all ready so put me in a hole
Let me rot next to the rat scrubs and moles
Let the worms eat my body hands and hair
I don't want to live because no body cares
I hate me life so let it end
Let it end
Let it end
And it shall end………………………………………†¦

A really good ending to your writing. Shows how desperate things are and gets pretty descriptive with the worms and all.

I can't give you any tips cause you're, by far, a better writer than me so I'll end this long ass reply with Good Job.

iight

its pretty sad that this got slept on before, coz this is a good piece.

in it i found some great vocab and a great flow, i too agree that in some spots it should be re-worded so that it sounds better, not so it rymes

although alot of pieces in here a dark and depressing ( this isnt a very happy place) yours is one of the darkest yet, and in a way its good, because it got out so much emotion, so much feeling.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

__________________

Thanks for all the feed but I need more. This poem was writen when I ran away from home and moved to Battle Creek with my dead beat dad and his girl hated me. She was partly the subject. Besides me just gettine tired out the shit. She acted just like the person I ran from my mother

__________________
I live to die and
Destance my self to Feel
My life is an oxymoran
Like a suicide Pill

this was a nice piece

Hate consumes all art

i liked that line alot
but i disagree with some of the replys
because i think this piece worked well with the rhyming scheme so in my opinion there would be no point it changing that style atall but i guess thats just my opinion
keep postin

Thanks oh i forgot to tell ya'll Paz in peace in spanish

__________________
I live to die and
Destance my self to Feel
My life is an oxymoran
Like a suicide Pill

"Trust is a fairy tale told to toddlers
By the givers of life who turn into midnight robbers "

Wow..Intense piece here, Chase...Vivid imagery added to the emotion in this, I've never really felt that suicidal before, But I certainly felt it thru you while reading this piece. It reaches out and grabs you, very powerful and captivating. Nice piece of writing.
Stay up.
Pz.