look`n back at my childhood -- i dont see NONE //
everythin` a usual gangsta do -- shorty been done //
been on da streets wander`n in shit siince da age of niine //
at the age of 10 is when homicide entered my miind //
look past thiis gully face a big heart you should fiind //
ima sweet and passionate diime constantly on da griind //
a motha at the age of 16 my motha bore me //
my father? fuck dat nigga he aiint did nottin fo` me //
a sista two years younga i aiint neva met //
and dey wonda why i g0t so much shit swimmin round in my head //
tears soak my pillow, overflowin onto the bed //
shooda been playin wiid dolls but i was load`n glocks instead //
dey see me stock`n bread, rock`n red //
been backstabbed and dey stilll wonda why i be dodge`n heads //
i still neva undastood why God took my motha//
and left me with grandparents and an abusive brotha//
but its ok tho, all my life i've always known//
that i just had to hold my own, and move the fuck on//
today, fourteen but mature, they wonda why//
dat when dey look into my face, dey see hate in my eyes//
it aiint my fault dey blind, its pain in my insides//
not hate cus it cant relate to how much i done cried //
sometimes i just stop and think, wish on every star //
for God to take my life, but dey show death is very far //
they wonda why i carry the flag to the right, glock on da left//
wonda if diis lil gangsta even got a heart beatin inside da chest//
i hit the weed, its all i need to survive this world of rival prides //
its all i need to fully breach through their foreva lie`n eyes//
through the grime i fully emerge //
i stay ahead of da line, watch my game surge //
they try to hold me down but i hold my ground//
hear my glock shout, its the only sound//
sometimes i cut myself to ease the pain i feel //
my mind be travel`n out my body to suttin so unreal //
sometimes i wanna commit suicide to end this trail of tears //
but then i get back up and realize deres no room for fearz //
i look back and see just how much i've suffered thru 14 years //
back at the memories i hold so dear, stories ive told unclear //
nobody aint neva knew i felt dis way, i keep my shit to myself //
independence aint all dat great, cus i neva seem to ask for help //
wheneva i feel trapped, i know betta than to stay depressed //
i keep my pride strapped, they see it and seem so impressed //
some people support me, some people hate //
but its ok cus my mind and heart both head straight //
i dont need da pity, da mercy, the sorry expression on dey faces //
so ill keep my story hidden inside, cus even if i told deyd neva get da story straightened....

...eyoOo.. i need feedbacks aiigh .. so holla at meeehhh .. `16oO

fuck if i had time i would have read it all... but from the first like few lines i read it was pretty good, keep postin up and like do your thang... this comin from a "herb" (to the site) but hey i know creativity when it socks me in the dome

__________________
HK The Great

DO YOU POP THIS WASNT A BAD PEACE...
I LIKED IT RMOTIONAL; YET HAD SEVERAL ANGLES.

tru, a very nice drop.....MAD FUCKIN LONG BUT GOOD HAHAHA. Keep doin yo thang and keep it gully kid, 100

__________________
*R.I.P*
Jimmy L. , Louis L. , Aj R. , Tyler R. , Chris R., Dan W. , Matt F.......
" You all will never be forgotten and your spirits live within us all!!! R.I.P*"


" So for the 2nd time [The Pharisses] summoned the man who had been blind and said
"Speak the truth before God. We know this man is a sinner."
"Wether he is a sinner I do not know."
:The man replied:
"All I know is this...Once I was blind and now I can see"
John 1x 24-26

you need some inner rhymes in there. the way you only rhyme the last word of each line makes it to simple. you had a few but your flow was boring.

you have potential but try to be orignial, everything you said has already been said by 20000000 other people. if your going to write a deep peace make it your own, to me it seemed like you were just repeating what you heard other songs nothing was really orignial.

but just keep working you will get better. like i said you show potential.

*Whew*~~ That was madd long. I figure anything that has a message and a story is worth 2 out of 5 props from me so I'll give u a wobbly 3. Try to emphasize more in your lines so that it won't look so simple like a poem, almost like you was going down the line of a rhyme book. But I see potential....

~yep~

yea i agree wit everyone else, that was hella long, but anywho, it had ok wordplay and vocab, ima agree wit c section and say to include a few more inner rhymes, but the flow fell off a little durin it, but it was still fine, ima say add a few more multis in ur verse as well, u do show potential so keep at it holmes, keep postin and elevatin and ull get better..

yo if u have time can u hit up my post?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=82558
thanx

peace.....