when u look into the eyes of suprise
only to see ur own demise
searchin the skies
for the awnser
fell in love with a dancer
i was six when my dad died of cancer
so i stick to life
cause thats all i got
she broke me off
left me to rot
just sittin in the dark at night
alone and cold
am i gonna keep goin
or will i fold
knife to the wrist
already pissed
what the hell who would care
but i put it down
and took a breath of fresh air.

__________________
Pain is abscence of tolerance
its the emptyness that conqueres the mind body and soul

Good job. Scheme was off. Dunno if u intended on using one or not. Seemed like u were unsure bout usin one. Flow was iight. Sounds like something I would write. There was madd emotion flowin through this and u did a great job of showin it. Try postin to other ppls stuff and u'll get more responses. Overall, good job. Keep it up. Much respect.

the emotion was present in this piece
it seems as if you wasnt sure on what you was going to write about, you jumped for one thing to another, it made the piece sort of shaky, but the same emotion was kept throughout the piece, so that kept the reader on track.........
this was an ok piece
keep elevatin
~Sage~

__________________
~.:Soft Focus:.~
{--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --}
{-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-}
{--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--}
{-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-}
{ --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--}
Poetry
Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten
Understanding Once Again
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom:
the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."