i know it does not flow real good but its my first song i tried i suck at battling so i believe just writing is my true potential if you want you could see how bad i did with co-faxe any way here is my first song

Verse 1
You've been gone for almost two years, during that time I have shed many tears. my life has gone down hill ever since you left, the memories we had I have always kept. trying to forget you your gone forever, the times we had I know I will always treasure. without you my life is incomplete, thinking of you I cant keep a steady beat. I took you for granted when you were mine, when we were together we were doing just fine, until one day your father stepped out of line. got in between us and ruined our relationship, he thought I was playing and I was just a trip. I would give anything just to see you one more time, but remember you will always be mine.

Refrain
Now that your gone I don't know what to do we had memories that new friends cant renew we had the best times and the worst you know I would always put you in first my life is terrible now that your gone without you there would be no reason to this song you're the one that was there for me you were true that's why im dedicating this song to you

Verse 2
Homeboy you have been gone and we never did anything wrong you have been gone for too long man I wish we could chill like we used to back in the day we chilled in backyard never running out of words to say nothing would keep us from chillin we would always be willin to do anything for the other we treated eachother like brothers we respected our mothas we were as close as can be you left me be if I saw you again we would never have what we had your dad wont be missed hes gone but no need to be sad but what he did was wrong I guess you don't realize what you have until its gone

Refrain
Now that your gone I don't know what to do we had memories that new friends cant renew we had the best times and the worst you know I would always put you in first my life is terrible now that your gone without you there would be no reason to this song you're the one that was there for me you were true that's why im dedicating this song to you

Closing verse
Man dawg time has passed your getting older our relationship wont last you have your own life now we used to be close I just wanna ask how? How could our relationship end so fast I really thought our time would last you showed me the definition of rap you're the one that taught me all this crap you introduced me to rappers like snoop and that nwa group you got your own family now and we are still close not as close as we used to just keep doing what you do you have made it far in life you will always be cool

Refrain
Now that your gone I don't know what to do we had memories that new friends cant renew we had the best times and the worst you know I would always put you in first my life is terrible now that your gone without you there would be no reason to this song you're the one that was there for me you were true that's why im dedicating this song to you

i put a lot of effort into this but every thing needs to be critiqued

i need some feedback

thanks for the feedback guys

Ok this was lika sorta slow rap/poem,had consistant flow throughout and you used alot of relevant vocab,this peice had me thinking of your situation so it had nice imagery,i think maybe you should shorten your bars and use , to indicate flow if it was
more of a spoken word typa peice which it seems like.Overall i was feelin you and i could tell tha topic was from the heart so it was a pretty good drop as it didn't require any fancy wordplay because of the topic.

Hit mine if you got a spar minute.

Peace

thanks west i appreciate it dawg ill hit yours

looking for feed back

yo that wasnt bad for a first song man, ima say u gotta make ur lines shorter, cause long ones throughs off the flow, im gonna say try and make ur lines in the refreain the same number of syallbles if u can, but other than that, ur vocab and wordplay were both good, ur imagery was great, and ur content and topic were both original, keep makin songs man, u got mad ability.

peace......

werd to my brother gotalove u have ability and hell the sky is da limit but you do need to make it flow more smoothly