Everytime something goes wrong
You look at me to blame
You come and step up to me
So I put you to shame

Everytime you come over
Its always the same
Same old crap all day
You act like it’s a game

As I sit here riding the line
I raise up to the light of fame
A friendship is tarnished
And it was all over a dame

All the pain inside
Can drive you insane
You seem to have nothing
Or so you claim

Everything you do
Is done in vain
You say your in love
Hell no, your sniffing cocaine

I hear many things
Of all that can be proclaimed
I hear lots of stories
That should be explained

The past is past
The future is now
You want help
Tell me how

All I can say is that im sad
For all that is happened in the past
You want my forgiveness
All I want is the truth


This is a poem that I wrote about a week ago that I want to put out there to get some replies and to see what people think about it. Please tell me what you think of it.

MM

your idea using stanzas was good.
and you went witha traditional rhyming scheme... that's definately ok. bu tyou were lacking in content and description. The type of poem you were tyring to put forth here couldn't happen because you restricted yourself with writing. For it to have enough description you would have had to have made it much longer or taken a more abstract approach... the poem didn't fit the style.
I know it's cliche to say but i think that this was attributed to your decision to go with the structure you chose. You were bound by line length and rhymes. It can be difficult.
Definately a good effort adn I wouldn't put it down but I'd work either taking a more abstract approach in the future or have more imagery and description.
The ending didn't have a strong impact because there wasn't enough content in the poem leading up to it.
.peace.
.peace.

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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.

^I agree. It seems as though you didnt get ANYTHING out because you cut it short. I think you could probably go back and re-do this in a different rhyme scheme, or not rhyming, and get out so many emotions and so many things that you were probably trying to get out to begin with. Overall though it was a nice try, just needs a little work to get the emotion out.

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<center>Fuck it...</center>