from the moment u walked in my life,
without sheddin a tear, i knew u were
my wife, so many gurlz in the past has
struck my heart witha knife, but u
came in easy and healed my heart
wit your undying love thats right
everything about u is so beautiful,
sometimes i loose my sight,
if i could share one last kiss
with anyone in the world,
it would be none other than YOU,
i love you alwayz n forever

after a day hiding from spraying bullets
i reach bac to ma crib to see ma lady n pull it
no questions asked, she takes all ma problems away
when i'm running from the boi them she takes me in to stay
funny how she loves me after bringing trouble her way
going on missions with ma gurl right beside me
robbing all the snitches that discriminated n rejected me
have smiles on are face when we lace another street punk
we stare deeply in eachother's eyez n our hearts both sunk easily
thug love becoming clearer
when i was behind bars
i felt she was nearer
forever and alwayz i'll alwayz i'll imbrace her
our love so ghetto no passon is greater
its like we both sprayed up eachothers
hearts wit dangerious gats
ratatatatatat our hearts sprayed up with thug love
feeling cold, feeling bold, feeling special
if u thought that thugz never feel
ur wrong thugz do feel
our hearts are real
enter the sacred domain
i'll eat u for ma meal

the first was real simple but heart felt... you could use a little work
on putting more metaphors to make it more inviting.... vocab was
lacking but it has raw emotion..... as for it being long not all stuff
has to be " semi-long" to get your message across....Keep Writing

__________________
<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3>
<BR>
<BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I>

Quick Tip
dont post two drops under one thread, especially when the belongs in a different forum

the first one was simple, the emotion was pure
in the begining it had an alright flow, but tghe last line or two threw it off b/c you stopped rhyming completely.. that messed it up for me b/c the rhyme felt weak since the start
poetry isnt necessarily about rhyming, its about portraying thoughts and emotion, making the reader feel it.. i think you should try more complex rhyme schemes or just deeper words if you want a bar for bar rhyme, you know

the second one should go in a rap forum...but.. it was missing something, the rhyme here was weak as well, you had a nice message but i dont think the words you chose portrayed them to the full extent
elevate your vocabulary...play with the words, get familiar with word usage

the emotion was clear

keep elevatin

__________________
~.:Soft Focus:.~
{--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --}
{-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-}
{--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--}
{-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-}
{ --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--}
Poetry
Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten
Understanding Once Again
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom:
the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."