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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
11-13-03, 12:00 PM
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#1
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Flyweight
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Laying a Smackdown
IP: C0CE A724
ah shit, keep cover cuz here comes da ladie's 1# lover/
a class act waiting to discover new things as i hover/ Call me Professor x, I also have da ability to see whats next/ A tight ass verse with no metaphoric special effect/ Quick little words dat are hazardous to ya health ready to infect/ Anyone's mind catching da deadly ryme will drop dead// thats how i be when i take flight and flare up the night// watching for them cartoon mc's to pay attention// Fooling themselves is what i forgot to mention// they stuck in a suspended animation// While i draw their roles, I still be going against them cock asians/ Got no time to fool around with story like interpretations// My ideas come real, devils makin deals, to kill da inocent..where?/ In their own holy fields; That is what i am about// Tellin my perspective on the whole systems neglegance// Yall "MC's" can still try to faze my messages// I don't care who ranks the highest in the forum open to savages/ Their ego's grow faster then cancer in they testicular// Still believe there supremacy in the open mic stationary// Cool, as long as that shit is not rubbed in my face seriously// now i must go and fight a hidden war far from your understanding So whatch ya back when the shit comes a landing/ |
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11-13-03, 12:38 PM
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#2
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1E
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IP: 5AF5 5CA5
thought the concept was good, but the flow fell off a few times, and the structure too, so it didn't read as good as it could have, but the content was ok, ya multis could also use some work, but on the whole it had potential.....so Pc dawg.....
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11-13-03, 01:08 PM
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#3
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Guest
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IP: 19AF 50C1
DAWG I LIKED IT WAS AN ILL HUMOROUS VERSE ID LIKE TO HEAR AUDIO
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11-14-03, 02:31 AM
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#4
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Flyweight
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IP: C0CE A724
i cant thank yall so much for your advice and honesty/
audio is a good idea, show me how.. my computer be fucking up though, i don't know if it will work. Anyways, hit me up another time word perfect, i really want to do this. |
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11-14-03, 10:24 AM
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#5
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Veteran
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IP: FF89 3C60
Well, normally I hate verses that prop the writer...
But this one had some nice vocab and wordplay and ya never once mentioned a gun... Cool. Good flow, kinda... Could be improved but it by no means sucked. Real decent drop. 7/10
__________________
Merkings will occur Monday thru Friday, 8 am thru 5 pm, C.S.T. For my convenience, not yours! |
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11-14-03, 11:04 AM
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#6
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 3D1E 91CD
It wasnt that great, nothing eye-openingly dope, but you showed signs of potential. First step - drop the whole 'bragging rights' type of verse, they are one of the most basic and played topics you'll ever drop to. Try writing a story telling or topical piece that has imagery / emotion and a plot to it, they involve a lot more effort, but if pulled off correctly are dope. You seemed to have some of the basics down, just build on them. You've got internal's in your verse, but there at a basic 1-2 syllable rhyme pattern, to make your pieces better you need to step that up to a 4-6 syllable internals and externals rhyme scheme. Wordplay was there, a lot of it un needed, but there none the less. Flow got shaky towards the center then picked up again nearer the end, it had its flaws, some easier to master than others, but the potentials there.
Build on this.
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W o r d P e r f e c t  ^This is your IP bitch! |
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