Through those eyes i can see those lies you disguise
that smile so decieving, you're the girl i once belived in
but now i know better, you're just a counterfiet
so lets quit the shit, call the spade a spade
and say exactly what we think
i won't kick up a stink if you're not a fan
and you'd rather pack up your belongings and leave
i've longed to believe you're the girl of my dreams
cause right now you're the girl of my nightmares
when we first me it was almost subliminal
every single vision trapped, it was oh so criminal
but what a mirical when i got that soothing call
i read between the lines and all those fucking lies
all those fucking lies that you disguise
you've always been the one that i've despised
and ain't shit gonna changed, instead i leap with glee and joy
you treat me like a toy, but boy there is a fucking god
he just saved my fuckin life and now i'm gonna flee
at last i'm free from that awful son of a bitch and
that mouth so full of shit i've had a gut full of it but fuck....

i saw nothing really wrong with this some words could use complexity but you used raw emotion and vivid emmotional description.......you were colorful in thought and i thought it was consitant.......welcome here and work hard you will be someone good take pride in your work and let no one drag you down remember if what you write is yours mentally and in heart then your doing better then half the industry your authentic.

Thanks man. If I remember correctly, I think it was your rap I commented on, that was good too. As for this "Raw emotion and vivid emotional description" I just try to write about what really happens in real life, and use my life experiences as templates if you know what i mean.

it flows ok the vocabulary is good...i like it man

rate-6

You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of peoples you left feedback in or this will get deleted..

But this was alright...your structure was pretty decent in this, you should try to keep the lines around the same length though, cause you have some shorter lines try making them a little longer....flow in this was alright.....your vocab was decent as well....overall this was alright...keep at it.