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01-03-04, 05:46 AM | #1 | ||||||
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Sidewalks
IP: 01E9 5CDD
Lying in ruin with an empty bottle
my body is lifeless and im still hollow my eyes glazed over the same gazing into somethin i canot attain black paper with glued sprinkles look back at me only to realize that the perception is my galaxy youre my world, i can see it in your eyes youre love is my oxygen and i have breathed you for the last time my bottles run dry and youve left me for the better kind the sidewalk is cold as i lie on it but my bodys still warm from when u died on it its dark outside the street lights beckon me stumbling upwards to meet my grace cruched by an empty bottle in a sacry place i make my way back to you again slow and steady, the knives in my back grow heavy diffrent face, diffrent person but its still u inside, standing on the corner under the flickering yellow light that reads corona the apartment above is on fire and were showering in the ashes of our desires everythin i ever gaze upon withers in my hand i drop to a knee and find my bottle full again the sober edge is comin back the painfull reality mite return soon the sad flower in my heart will never bloom as long as i drown it in sweet sorrows god wrote so the on coming comfort is rushed down my throat the taste is a deternt that will be overcome the burnin that i feel is what ive become an annoyance, a failure to succeded the only thing stopin you is wats stopin me Last edited by Loser : 01-06-04 at 12:30 AM. |
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01-03-04, 05:56 AM | #2 | ||||||
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Lookin for a battle
IP: B33E 4708
Yo, Ya niggaz ya know me well
now niggaz hearts is beatin fast cuz the kid home from jail but I get love when Im back around even though I got beef wit like half the town cuz they respect me cuz Im gangsta like pesci gun game official wont nann nigga test me but bitch niggaz stay on point stay right catch you Imma buck at you face in day light mother fuckers wanna know what Im doin now that Im back and do I still rep for that eagle on my back well Imma set the record straight for ya'll you fake ass niggaz I got hate for ya'll with that bullshit ya pulled we could never make amends I showed ya niggaz loyalty that ya'll never see again |
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01-03-04, 05:58 AM | #3 | ||||||
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IP: 01E9 5CDD
?
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01-03-04, 06:05 AM | #4 | ||||||
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IP: B33E 4708
the whats good?battle?
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01-03-04, 06:07 AM | #5 | ||||||
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IP: 01E9 5CDD
Wasnt lookin for a battle, was just trying to get a piece out.
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01-03-04, 06:07 AM | #6 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: B33E 4708
i eat yo mic.
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01-03-04, 11:38 AM | #7 | |||||||
Spectator
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IP: 1A70 9542
I like this piece. The content has been written about alot, but you have managed to do it with original style and that was refreshing.
black paper with glued sprinkles look back at me only to realize that the perception is my galaxy youre my world, i can see it in your eyes youre love is my oxygen and i have breath you for the last time This part really stood out to me, the way it is written is truly beautiful. I felt that it fell off a little in the middle area though, got a little vague to me.. But the ending was great. Particularly the last line. The only real advice I could offer is to take a little time with presentation. I know its not important to most, but I do think presentation is a key element to how people react to your poetry, as it shows pride in your work. Nice write. T.
__________________
Great spirits often encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds.
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01-03-04, 05:39 PM | #8 | ||||||
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IP: 01E9 5CDD
Thanks
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01-06-04, 12:30 AM | #9 | ||||||
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IP: 29B6 213C
Put a revised version of it in the first post, feedback would be great.
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01-16-04, 04:45 PM | #10 | ||||||
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IP: 9ECF 685B
Nice language used. I loved the comparison between bottles of oxygen turned to liquor... nice. Write more stuff!!! :P
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01-21-04, 09:01 AM | #11 | |||||||
Banned
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IP: 2D3C 6F43
Yo this was a very interesting piece! ... I had read it twice to grasp everything u were saying overall...."C+" nice work
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