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02-23-06, 03:17 AM | #1 | |||||
A Reflection Of The Past
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The Battered Youth.
IP: 2029 97B3
Hope you Enjoy this....it is dedicated to the youth who is bullied or abused who can't take it anymore and feel low all the time...this is a fact about everyday kids in this every day society...
The Battered Youth
the shadow's my protection It'll never leave my side for it stay's through rejection Ill never be left behind reality i do not mind for life i praise gently my soul can't keep up with time i feel the life bleeding with in me everyone please listen closely can you here mother nature cry? the answer is no mostly but i believe that is a lie the only thing we do correctly is to argue and fight so i wait for the beast to reject me but hopefully they do what's right the youth to me are harsh IM strong but quick to fight the tears while i sit here in the dark wishing i can go back in time a few years on many days i comptiplate suicide but cant find myself to do it so on most days i cuddle and hide But today i say who cares, screw it
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02-24-06, 02:51 AM | #2 | |||||
A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: 2029 97B3
wow p.s is inactive so i thought id come warm it up with some nice poetry....hopefully people will read the knowledge...lol upping
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03-01-06, 02:55 AM | #3 | |||||
A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: 2029 97B3
man give me feed fools
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03-01-06, 05:12 AM | #4 | |||||
Out-Spoken
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IP: 5289 AD6C
to be completely honest, i'm not diggin this a whole lot..i'm not into structured poetry really though....because you can't say shit, there are rules..and you can't put rules on emotions...but i also felt that a lot of the metaphorical value wasn't really relevant to the topic you stated, and if it was relevant...it was a little mislead...like what does mother nature have to do with the victim of a bully? absolutely nothing...and by saying your soul can't keep up with time....is like saying that you can't adjust to how things are changing, when the reality is, bullys havn't changed..they've always been around....and to be COMPLETELY honest, i don't know why any victim of any kind of harassment would want to go back intime and relive it, the only reason i would want to go back in time, is to avoid something tragic(if i did want to go back, but i wouldn't) but you cannot avoid bullies.....asside from that..the opener and closer were decent...but again..i stress the limits of structured poetry..because there were a lot of words in there you put, that took away from the emotion, the raw power of the poem, of the feeling your trying to stress, your rhyme metrics were good and all, but whoever decided thats what poetry should be about..was either a genius..and needed to find a way to make expressing himself more difficult...or he was just a complete idiot...and i have yet to see any structured poetry that impresses me, so i'm going to take the latter of the two options....this wasn't bad at all..don't get me wrong...i just don't appreciate this style of poetry near as much...stay up though..keep writing...return the favor if you get the chance
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223367 2 fingers 1 love
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03-03-06, 03:23 PM | #5 | |||
1926
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IP: 0825 899A
The arguing isn't needed... Squash this now or take it somewhere else. The Poetry section is about expressing and being creative, not beef.
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03-05-06, 10:18 PM | #6 | |||||
Bonecrushing Nigga
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IP: 6C9B A6D7
Haven't seen ya in a long time.....
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03-07-06, 11:03 AM | #7 | |||
1926
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IP: 0825 899A
Val, if you post one more comment in retaliation I'll close this. I'm asking you to step up and just end this... Don't worry about his posts in here, all except the initial responce will be deleted.
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03-08-06, 02:12 AM | #8 | |||||
A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: 2029 97B3
ok....and atticus please do so, also leave feed you no wasup bruh
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03-08-06, 10:46 AM | #9 | |||
1926
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IP: 3240 794D
I'm not replying to it until you check out the rules man... Two links.
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03-08-06, 07:44 PM | #10 | ||||||
New to RV
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IP: 41C7 6B94
Hmmm I really didnt notice the ABAB untill much later in the piece which is a good thing. I mean it really had a great spoken word feel though it was in rhyme. Topic matter was good but your metas and descriptions I think need to be more creative. It was light on imagery as well. Overall I think it has a good message but technically isnt 2 spectacular.
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03-08-06, 10:59 PM | #11 | |||||
A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: 2029 97B3
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=223367
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...2056post2682056 there now leave feed atti
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03-09-06, 02:59 AM | #12 | |||||||
Motivation=Money
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IP: B23D 1A68
the only thing we do correctly
is to argue to and fight so i wait for the beast to reject me but hopefully they do what's right Add "to" it makes it flow better. I like it nice twist at the end. 8.2/10
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03-09-06, 03:28 AM | #13 | |||||
A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: 2029 97B3
wordy.....thanks uppin
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03-09-06, 11:50 AM | #14 | ||||||||
New to RV
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IP: 3240 794D
Quote:
I think this piece is aaight. the shadow's my protection It'll never leave my side for it stay's through rejection Ill never be left behind everyone please listen closely can you here mother nature cry? the answer is no mostly but i believe that is a lie ^^ these are my favorite blocks, especially the last one. The piece as a whole took on a melodramatic tone, maybe slightly too much of a melodramatic, especially with the line about contemplating suicide. Up to then it was poetic and strong.
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03-09-06, 11:57 AM | #15 | |||||||
New to RV
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IP: 3240 794D
Also, I agree with ol boy about the material not having relevance to the "The Battered Youth". I see how you can apply the poem to them, but I think the poem is a little bit more universal. This poem could be talking to me, and I'm almost 21.
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