He was in 12th grade, surrounded by a negativity plague, couldn't be saved//
showed up at raves, with a taper fade, using syringes ignorant to fact that he could attract aids//
until 1 day...he woke up to an empty house, usually full//
turned on the news, caught the blues, his life was through//
sister murdered, brother suicide, mom heart attack,dad missin//
wait NEWS FLASH:just discovered a body while local resident was fishin//
The boy stared with blankness and yelled "God how could you take this"//
anger and sadness came over his body feelin unreal like the Matrix//
but it was... and there was no ecscapin like fire from Satan//
depression set in he was facin a lifetime of heart achin//
friends of the family offered to take him under their wing but he denied that//
he thought his life was at it's climax couldn't see the right track//
at 8 p.m that night he decided he would take his life//
he went from mourning his families death to a decision between gun or knife//
So at exactly 9 he cocked back the 9 and was ready to commit a self crime//
Put the mouth to his mind and pulled the trigger while cryin//
Blasted through he shoulda been doomed shot in the head with an exit wound//
one of his freinds came by to see how he was doin and called 9-1-1 after he saw the effects of a gun Boom!//
doctors tried to save his life with all might//
at 11:59 p.m he was pronounced alive with brain damage and loss of eye-sight//

DAMN THATS A FUCKED UP DAY ha...

get at me ya'll...OUT

Attached Images

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That was good. Made me laugh a bit at the end. Good work.

Check out my peice it's called "Mom I'm sorry"

__________________

HARRY R.I.P
1940 - 2002

In Respect

yes sir you got it strait 10 on my lyricall dose scale i seen every image you were trying to portray hot hot hot and u keep it gully with the word play-not dick ridin just appreciate good shit

Thx

i reckon this is a pretty average drop, the subject kept me reading, i agree, it made me laugh at the end, thought it started off quite weak and as it prigressed it improved slightly with some multis and more complexity, all in all pretty average........peace!

Yo can you drop a comment on mine it's called 'Mom I'm sorry' and is further down the list

__________________

HARRY R.I.P
1940 - 2002

In Respect

ok

this was alright.....you should try to make your lines about the same length for structure wise and it helps the flow a bit....your flow was ok, got off at times...your vocab was ok, could be up'd a bit though...add a few more multies and internals to help it flow better...it was a alright piece...just keep at it...and keep dropping.

you got potential but I think you were tryin to hard to make the story work, seemed forced at times, the best shit just flows

plus I think the ideas behind that story was covered in just one or two lines from Colors by Ice-T (remember that?) and was much harder.

no hate though, keep elevatin, good job

follow the rules
[closed]

__________________
Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis