I am new here soo i hope i did this rite if not tell me what to do.. ok, but yeah this i had wrote a lil while back i never really gotten any opinions on it from any other sites soo im here to show my work off, ive been here before soo...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99844
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99858 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99560

All I'm Seeing.
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The clouds are graying, & the sun is going away,
troubles arrive at the bay, & the tide wont wash it away,
Problems invade, w/ no way to escape or evade,
its vicious effects & the way, that it preys on innocent slaves,
of life.. enshrouds me every place I go,
& it never pays to know that you should face the flows,
of the shit they throw at you until your face is froze,
& a mask hides emotion, as it slays the pro's,
Leaving the cons, Shit im up to is unappealing to moms,
Im dealing w/ bombs, blowin in my face - seeing it calm,
Im sick of bimbos & hoes, What I get is simple - It's cold,
Theres little to know, Im STUCK in the middle of roads,
& I cant even walk out on the streets, in peace, Faggots DECEASE,
My plans is planned to UNLEASH, May the problems RECEDE.

All Im Seeing - Problems.
All Im Seeing - Problems.
I Can't Really - Solve 'em.
All Im Seeing - Problems.
All Im Seeing - Problems.
I Can't Really - Solve 'em.
& I Can't Really - Solve 'em.
Cause All Im Seeing's - Problems.

It's not common I'm calm &, im obviously lost, &
These problems need solvin - I'm ominously boxed in,
A wall of fear.. & im startin'a get, claustrophobic,
My cries aint noticed - All I have is flaws, it's bogus,
Im Raw, encoated w/ bombs encoded -
To blow at any second but I'm lost in focus,
In awe of quotes it's, crazy drawin gawks by moments,
But it keeps me away from a gun, to cock & load it,
Theres no safe haven of dreams, or escapin the seams,
of devilish sewing machines.. That bring the gray in your dreams,
No place thats serene, everywhere I go, theres another problem,
No way to solve em, My heart needs some calmin,
& these 16 bars.. relieve 16 scars, It fits me hard,
in a costume.. to fit me in another 16 bars.

All Im Seeing - Problems.
All Im Seeing - Problems.
I Can't Really - Solve 'em.
All Im Seeing - Problems.
All Im Seeing - Problems.
I Can't Really - Solve 'em.
& I Can't Really - Solve 'em.
Cause All Im Seeing's - Problems.

No one cares when my pens, replaced w/ a MIC,
Until Im tightrope walkin on the foundation of LIFE,
It's crazy, I MIGHT - suicide dive to encase all this strife,
in a pound on the pavement, while youre chasin the lights,
of the sirens w/ your eye, aspirin to get high,
in our societal structure of today, climbin to the sky,
Why should you or I, do somethin of meanin tonight?
Tell me really, WTF is the meaning of life?
Cause All I'm Seeing - Problems, & I Can't Really - Solve 'em.
& I'm just screamin - Stompin, cause I can't leap, I'm - Watchin
..
The layers of earth will scamper so rampant,
& all our people will lack in advancement.
Cause all our people are simply faster to scatter,
Death will pass on the platter
When There's no answer to cancer.

There's no fuckin answer to cancer.
It's all problems. No solvin.

...Hmmm....????....

^ leave better feedback than just ...Hmmm.....????....

But this was alright i thought.....your structure was pretty good through out the piece, could use a bit of a touch up in some places though...your vocab was good in this i thought as well...try to work on your multies though....but overall this was alright...keep at it.

thanks guy for leavinga lil feedback on this man just wish i couldget some more on here

Yeah this was good.
Structure was 95% fine, just the odd line here and there needed improvin.
Vocab and flow was good....just add multi's to make it more interestin.
Overall 7/10....good drop

__________________

HARRY R.I.P
1940 - 2002

In Respect