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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
03-20-03, 04:19 PM
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#1
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I Am The Light
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To my name---a mans veiw point to his victim
IP: CB2E 7CE0
And I ran with freedom far behind--
Set the pages of that life and all the risks i left aside-- i did it this time and theres no turning back-- felt the rythm of the scream and all my dreams turned black-- destination at a stand point ran through my mind while the meditation was distinct due to the cost of lost time I finished it though but did i think my thoughts clearly-- was I intended to embark on a claim i held dearly-- To my name-- And for yours the same-- with shadows in every step and the pride i sought with depth--- I held true to my name---yet with sympathy blessed to the other brother who lost it-- let it be know that his action equaled to the cost of it-- |
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03-21-03, 02:10 AM
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#2
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Guest
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IP: D3E3 AFE0
weLL for starterz NEVER start with "and" b-cuz it leaves your beginning incomplete, like somethin' happened before but you didn't speak about it...overaLL this piece was aiight, but I feel like it could've bEEn more in depth...be more discriptive of your "victim" and even of YOURSELF kid...you had some good lines...(like these)...
i did it this time and theres no turning back-- felt the rythm of the scream and all my dreams turned black-- I finished it though but did i think my thoughts clearly-- was I intended to embark on a claim i held dearly-- but next tYme get more into describing thingz and you'LL get beTTer, experiment some with some vocab too, the THESAURUS does wonderz fuh ya...love... |
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03-21-03, 03:38 PM
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#3
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I Am The Light
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IP: CB2E 7CE0
Well i dont agree with starting a thread with the word "and" makes the written incomplete. I think alot of writers leave things too complete i like to raise the mind to its own thought on the particular situation. In this written i think theres two victims the man running and the person who gave reason why the mans running. When writting it i didnt feel it needed deep vocabulary to get the point across--read my other scripts and you'll see I often use intellect to make discriptive thoughts. I felt using a abstract monologue would fit this story/written perfectly.
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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next? sacred scriptures record (5-0) |
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03-21-03, 04:25 PM
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#4
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WarLord
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IP: C4F8 F820
Yo i wus feeling yo piece but could make it longer though.....
peep my piece The Nature of.....
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I Came Back Like Bustin Nuts On Spinal Chords Try Me Mofuckaz............ |
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03-21-03, 04:30 PM
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#5
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~OrIgINaL eXeCuToNeR~
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IP: ABE5 5A5C
Quote:
this motha fucka is like another me!  ...took somma the wordsd rright outta ma mouth
__________________
freelance RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S |
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03-21-03, 07:58 PM
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#6
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Guest
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IP: BFE5 28C7
^^^well 'And' at the beginning can be used to great effect. If the following words n lines of the piece are up to scratch and attach themselves well to the beginning. i.e. if the essence of the piece remains smooth n strong...
But this piece didn't pull it off...as it is very hard to.... I felt this piece was a bit too blunt at times...and as said above, vocab was kind of lacking at times (which attaches itself to the blunt critique).... ..but had it's moments where you could really feel and see what the writer was trying to depict.... ....respect.... |
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