RapVerse.com Community - Your Time is Up.

10-02-05, 11:41 AM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

Your Time is Up.

IP: BD8C 8EDD

-A BABY-

I saw you when you first came inside attach in your mother arm,
a smile across your face, expressing your highly sweet good charm.
That's the day when it all started, watched you cry late at night,
Tears coming down from your eyes, to me that was a hurtful sight.
I couldn’t do anything, stood there cold in fear, so i sung a song,
Open my mouth and your little ears witness the sound "ding dong"
There must've been a "dam" in his eyes cause the tears stopped,
From that point on, my fears decreased and my worry dropped.
One Minute you smiled at me then you went to sleep in the darkness,
watched to make you were ok, guarded tight that night like being
...strapped in a harness.

-A TEENAGER-

It was during this time that you showed your depression,
your heart was being ripped into sections, flame of regression,
trapped inside of you, tried so hard to let it go but it was hard,
felt scarred, wishing instead of being an object-be a peace card.
I see in your eye's the hurt when you saw your mother casket fall,
From the effect of a bomb your world blew into pieces-as tears bawl.
Felted that I wanted to cry also, instead of that i sung you a song,
Open my mouth and your ears witness the beautiful sound-"ding dong".
You said, "I'll have to cherish the memories. I’m going to stay strong",
From that Point on, you tucked and sucked your tears away and
....moved along.

-ADULT-

Happiness is back into play, your married and got 2 beautiful kids,
a wife by your side that who healed your deepest wounds of slits.
I remember that time you was smiling when you brought her here,
she was in your arms looking like an white dove with wings
..that conceal your fear.
9 years passed and your standing outside of your house window,
The tears that course down your cheek don't dry up as the wind blows.
I can tell the rage is exploding in you seeing your wife lips not on you,
your mind is all confuse, love of plague sickness heating up- like flu.
you trickled, blood flicker, your splenetic feelings going crazy my son,
breathing trying to regain conscious-took your kids. feeling relax
....when you heard my song

-THE GRAVE-

This house holds too many bad memories. I see you quivering,
shaking-thinking what should you do to about this agony aching.
Can't take it no more I see, feeling like your in the middle of hell,
brain cells going out of control, can't move your trapped in a cell.
there's only one thing to do to take care of this and that is to burn it,
let it go down in ashes, fire flicker while you outside- laughing.
O my son...leaving me too soon?...my woods is getting churned,
burned. Guess my time is up as you hear the father clock go
"ding dong"..as into ashes I turn.

Leave feed and Links to OM's Or Poems...

__________________
mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:

ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*

10-02-05, 12:31 PM

PreZidict

...Liven Proof...

Posts: 364

Joined: Mar 2005

From: Big Apple

Status: Offline

Text Record: 16-1

IP: D455 86D3

-THE GRAVE-

This house holds too many bad memories. I see you quivering,
shaking-thinking what should you do to about this agony aching.
Can't take it no more I see, feeling like your in the middle of hell,
brain cells going out of control, can't move your trapped in a cell.
there's only one thing to do to take care of this and that is to burn it,
let it go down in ashes, fire flicker while you outside- laughing.
O my son...leaving me too soon?...my woods is getting churned,
burned. Guess my time is up as you hear the father clock go
"ding dong"..as into ashes I turn.

^best part, i was feelin tha whole thing though...shit was hard, i could image it too and its creative also so 7.5/10

good shit

10-02-05, 12:50 PM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: BD8C 8EDD

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=186649

Bump.........

10-02-05, 02:06 PM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: 6776 E595

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2467593

Upp........

10-02-05, 03:14 PM

B.I.G.

Posts: 1,111

Joined: Apr 2005

Status: Offline

Text Record: 3-3

IP: 7D8B DD8E

I'm feelin it...........

kinda deep but strong shit, na' mean?
nice concept as well as creativity,
Vocab perfect.... you already mastered Structure/flow

Fav line:
"9 years passed and your standing outside of your house window,
The tears that course down your cheek don't dry up as the wind blows."
loved the flow on it

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Bizzacckkk

10-02-05, 07:54 PM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: 7E57 0A19

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2468199

Uppin.

10-02-05, 09:54 PM

FaMe

New to RV

Posts: 16

Joined: Mar 2005

From: eNJay

Status: Offline

IP: 6433 40DB

as the others said...liked this alot, very creative...also it seemed very poetic, which isnt bad but its nice..not much too critque here, just keep droppin

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Will soon b off wit my rap career....so if yall wanna rememba me...want my 'signature?'

10-03-05, 04:07 PM

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: D477 E710

Cool............

10-03-05, 05:48 PM

Untraceable

..Rv Sucks..

Posts: 1,433

Joined: Dec 2004

From: p-ville

Status: Offline

Text Record: 6-2

Audio Record: 0-0

Graphics Record: 2-1

IP: CE10 8C0C

wow.......this was simply amazing....i loved the imagry and emotion in this.....the fact you depicted yourself as a clock wasnt truely revealed until the bitter end....which was good...i liked the concept of this too......you had good vocab as well....and it all flowed very nicely.........this was just dope and deep...

keep it up beautiful

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10-03-05, 08:45 PM

#10

chip

pain is weakness leaving the body

Posts: 754

Joined: Jul 2005

From: 614 (Ohio)

Status: Offline

IP: EE58 AEAE

[QUOTE=.Lola Cruez. II]

-A BABY-

I saw you when you first came inside attach in your mother arm,
a smile across your face, expressing your highly sweet good charm.
That's the day when it all started, watched you cry late at night,
Tears coming down from your eyes, to me that was a hurtful sight.
I couldn’t do anything, stood there cold in fear, so i sung a song,
Open my mouth and your little ears witness the sound "ding dong"
There must've been a "dam" in his eyes cause the tears stopped,
From that point on, my fears decreased and my worry dropped.
One Minute you smiled at me then you went to sleep in the darkness,
watched to make you were ok, guarded tight that night like being
...strapped in a harness.
beautiful.......... interesting and good imagery....... not sure what's goin on yet
-A TEENAGER-

It was during this time that you showed your depression,
your heart was being ripped into sections, flame of regression,
trapped inside of you, tried so hard to let it go but it was hard,
felt scarred, wishing instead of being an object-be a peace card.
I see in your eye's the hurt when you saw your mother casket fall,
From the effect of a bomb your world blew into pieces-as tears bawl.
Felted that I wanted to cry also, instead of that i sung you a song,
Open my mouth and your ears witness the beautiful sound-"ding dong".
You said, "I'll have to cherish the memories. I’m going to stay strong",
From that Point on, you tucked and sucked your tears away and
....moved along.
'sung a song' and 'din dong' repeated: i wonder the significance.... looks like story of someone's life, but i'm not yet sure of the point of view.....

-ADULT-

Happiness is back into play, your married and got 2 beautiful kids,
a wife by your side that who healed your deepest wounds of slits.
I remember that time you was smiling when you brought her here,
she was in your arms looking like an white dove with wings
..that conceal your fear.
9 years passed and your standing outside of your house window,
The tears that course down your cheek don't dry up as the wind blows.
I can tell the rage is exploding in you seeing your wife lips not on you,
your mind is all confuse, love of plague sickness heating up- like flu.
you trickled, blood flicker, your splenetic feelings going crazy my son,
breathing trying to regain conscious-took your kids. feeling relax
....when you heard my song
song iz significant...... point of view iz mother......... good story and imagery so far.....
-THE GRAVE-

This house holds too many bad memories. I see you quivering,
shaking-thinking what should you do to about this agony aching.
Can't take it no more I see, feeling like your in the middle of hell,
brain cells going out of control, can't move your trapped in a cell.
there's only one thing to do to take care of this and that is to burn it,
let it go down in ashes, fire flicker while you outside- laughing.
O my son...leaving me too soon?...my woods is getting churned,
burned. Guess my time is up as you hear the father clock go
"ding dong"..as into ashes I turn.
sad ending, but fulfilling from a reading standpoint(i'm not guessing at the future)

overall.... 9/10......... some voc was simple and overused....... story and structure and imagery was beautiful............. i like the way u separated into sections.........
i really enjoyed this piece........ keep it up.... -Tweety's #1 fan.........

oh yeah, and could u leave feed on my poem, the Diary of Hip-Hop? thanx......

__________________

"I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..."
-Konchance

my poetry:
untitled

Last edited by chip : 10-03-05 at 08:50 PM.

10-03-05, 09:10 PM

#11

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: 5CA8 D825

The whole point of view was the "Father Clock"....Thanx for the feed uppo.

10-03-05, 09:25 PM

#12

chip

pain is weakness leaving the body

Posts: 754

Joined: Jul 2005

From: 614 (Ohio)

Status: Offline

IP: EE58 AEAE

ahhhh....... whoooooooooaa......... that's deep........... still your #1 fan.........

__________________

"I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..."
-Konchance

my poetry:
untitled

10-04-05, 07:14 PM

#13

Black Queen

Classic

Posts: 1,183

Joined: Dec 2004

Status: Offline

IP: 28AD 5545

lol chip u got that wrong im her number 1 fan lol but neway anotha good piece you had good vocab like always your structure was good and the flow was constant i like the concept of the piece how you spoke from the view of the father clock (i had to read it twice to get that lol) but this was a good piece keep up the good work boo

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10-04-05, 07:40 PM

#14

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: 30D7 E23B

Cool...Uppo.....

10-04-05, 11:22 PM

#15

Dervla

Poet's Daughter.

Posts: 360

Joined: May 2005

Status: Offline

IP: 56B1 4C65

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2471880

Uppo.

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