Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
01-23-04, 12:02 PM | #1 | ||||||
Guest
|
~Unborn's Fate~
IP: 4577 CD9A
Yo check it... I haven't been here in months... and I just wrote something the other day... it's not finished... but i felt like posting it just to see what y'all think... I guess I'm trying to see if people still think I got a bit of skill... lol... check it...
A pregnant mother looking out at the city, holding her stomach feeling all types of pity, cause it’s a gritty, shitty/ Type of world where she’s living, not really worth it for bringing, another mouth to be feeding, a pair of lungs to be breathing, the feeling’s killing her will, her spirit is scribbling ill/ Could tell she’s facing depression, just by her facial expressions, can see there’s building of tension, between herself and aggressors/ She’s speaking to her unborn, will it be weak or be strong, is it a daughter or son, will gutters be it’s new home, or will it’s mother move on, now that her lover is gone, she simply mutters a song, and it goes som'... like this... thanks for reading, now let me know what you think... give me some honest shit... peace |
||||||
01-23-04, 12:21 PM | #2 | |||||||
Veteran
|
IP: FF89 3C60
Eh...
Good use of multi's... Perhaps too many, but the flow was there. Format sucked, though... Lines were extended too long. Also, there was no wordplay, metas, or complexity. This was all straight forward except for the multi's. Good story, good imagery. Alot of potential. Just lay off about a third of those multi's... And replace it with complexity. Peace
__________________
Merkings will occur Monday thru Friday, 8 am thru 5 pm, C.S.T. For my convenience, not yours! |
|||||||
01-23-04, 01:04 PM | #3 | |||||||
Maggot
|
IP: 9AE7 AA5A
Forcing Tha Multis A Bit
Good Useage Of Vocab Strucutre Is Soo Fucked Other Than This Song Iz Straight.. Good Work
__________________
.BITER BITER BITER.
Tisk Tisk@Blak Siinz Number One Herb On Rap Battles! Crime - Stealing Another Person's Name .. Punishment - Severe Herbin .. DO NOT BATTLE BLAK SIINZ HE IS A NAME BITER. |
|||||||
01-23-04, 01:56 PM | #4 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: A1C1 DCC8
ok its cool except all the dam multies...there should be like only 2 multies a line...
the song is nice tho....stayed on concept...u stretch your lines too dam much son... Could tell she’s facing depression, just by her facial expressions, can see there’s building of tension, between herself and aggressors/ nice^^ overall its cool...stay off that multie man...your good to go after words... 3.9/5... Since I Replied To Yours...it would be fair if you did the same please...thx... http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...166#post1118166 |
||||||
01-23-04, 10:57 PM | #5 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: C1DA C961
thanks for they feedback y'all...
for real... too much multies? maybe... but it's not like I'm veering off my topic to put'em in there... they're not really forced... yeah, my structure be funny like that... lol... but I don't think it ruins the flow or nothing... Peace |
||||||
01-25-04, 11:58 PM | #6 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 4577 CD9A
come on, I know y'all can give me more feedback than that...
|
||||||
01-26-04, 04:12 PM | #7 | |||||||
1E
|
IP: 5AF5 5CA5
i thought the flow was the best thing about it... really got going... some nice multis, but i agree the format was a bit unconventional, but since the flow was there, dont think it really matters... and the story was told well....
|
|||||||
01-27-04, 08:28 AM | #8 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 2F9D AE7B
its was good.
nice use of mutil's a bit to much..but theres nothing wrong with that topic was ok wished u could of finished it. vocab was ok too. pretty basic flow nothing really caught my eye over all you get a 6.5 outta 10. Peace...... 1............. |
||||||
01-27-04, 08:30 AM | #9 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 6F9E F23B
good multi's...flow....wordplay....all round good piece...like it a lot
7/10 |
||||||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|