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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
08-16-05, 09:08 PM
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#1
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[ a.k.a Os ]
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Kidnapping
IP: F519 0F67
Deep in sleep, my demons creep to snatch my awaiting soul...
creating the mold of prophecies better left dead and untold... wishing my dread can unfold, i awake in a room that sealed my cries... I realize through my real eyes dreams can also tell me real lies... showin despise to the man in front of me, he stares with intent... incense couldn't mask the odor he wore as if it was heaven sent... in this event, fear told my ten year old Inflicted mind to scream... kind he seemed pulling out a handkercheif, to find my facial stream... I beamed in admiration until a slap reminded me of my frustration... with elation he said, "dirty Caucasian these feathers represent my nation!..." my lips mumbled, "we're on vacation, daddy was taking me to the beach... "your fakin!" he said as he reached for his gun to smoke me like cheech... a loud screech came from the door, in came more featherheads galore... "we'll feed u to the boars if u kill that ignorant pale faced slore!..." they roared, "we need her to figure out the curse of the white man... now Craka, my land has cut u off for trying to steal with light hands!..." "me, why man?" I croaked, " my dad said he left u a reservation..." Without Revelation I Didn't Understand Their Angry Conversation... "It Could Be An Invasion!" One Said To Another In Utter Fear... "No! In Another Year, Everyone Will Know We Were The First Ever Here... "Where's Mommy!" I Cried, The Cheif Said," Silence U Fuckin' Imbacel!... Now We're Invincible! And U like Your Skin Will Be Invisible..." Thinkin' That Wasn't Sensible I Laughed, " Ha Ha, U Guys Are Silly... Really U Sound like My Drunk Daddy When He Says He's Gonna Kill Me... This Is the United States U Feel Me? U Guys Are Really Nutty..." That is When They All Laughed, Everyone Else Got The Joke But Me... "That's Where Ur Wrong Buddy!" He Said, " Now Plant It!" My Fright Shaped... "Ya See Our Ancestors Watched The Old Film Planet Of The Apes... Your People Planned It And Raped Our Land, Stealing Our Precious Soil... Revenge Boiled, And A Plan Of Inventing A Time Machine Unfoiled... We Recoiled, Bringing Present Technology Back To The Past... Now Your The Last White Girl in The United Tribes, And That's Your Ass!..." Just something i wrote 
__________________
The Council
 R.I.T.T Champion
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08-16-05, 09:12 PM
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#2
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[ a.k.a Os ]
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IP: F519 0F67
__________________
The Council
R.I.T.T Champion
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08-16-05, 09:27 PM
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#3
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Coming to Kill you All
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IP: 76ED 93A3
WOW...this was a very unique piece.Flow was good,Vocab was good.The content was where you shined.And that ending was as unexpecting as it'd get.
Now..only problem I had was the diologue.If someone got kidnapped..wouldn't they studder or sound scared?And the girl seemed to be young as she was screaming for mommy.So..why is she talk like that?I think most of the time..when making a diologue OM..it needs to be in everyday language.I don't think someone would say "Silence you Fuckin Imbecile!!".Esspecially a kidnapper talkin to a little girl. Overall-8/10 RTF BElOW PLEASE http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=204095 |
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08-17-05, 06:44 AM
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#4
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Better than you..
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IP: 1111 4B17
i'm feeling this. it's one of the very few drops in this forum that i can respect. i like the creativity the story was intense and from line to line i stayed attentive. lol this shit's funny how it start's of kinda serious then takes a more humorous direction. nice shit anyway's. RTF my Om is Porn Trough.
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..ADLIB..
Spit it from the heart, spit a thousand darts, split ya head apart…
Emcees depart, like rubin carter my hurricane left u scarred… Like a spiked bat grammatical bar, like a wonderland drug… Tumble - ing like a flagon of rum and 2 blunts, like the funk baby… |
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