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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
07-19-06, 12:38 AM
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#1
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New to RV
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~*Are We That Couple?*~
IP: FDB4 EFE6
Here is a piece that I worked on all day today while I wasn't at work. This is true, it's what's happinin in mah life right now, in tha last 2 days. It's a real emotional piece...please give me honest and seriouse feed. I remember the day we got together It’s always something I’m going to remember October 8th was da day we did it Started goin easy n swore to each other that we never get splitted You put faith in mah self and lyfe You always told me how much ya wanted me ta be ya wife But now 9 months later everything changed Everything gon’ wrong and you be actin strange Whenever I wanna talk ya rejectin mah calls Ya finally pick up and I hear a chick, and I just wanna ball I not knowin what goin on, if ya cheatin I told ya before, if ya wasn’t happy ya should leave then Cause you stayin wit me longer is hurtin me more I never once doubted you before But once I heard that girl I lost all trust in you You told me that you and tha chick are just cool But I aint believe it, cause there something more More than what ya tellin me, cause I think ya fuckin dat whore I can’t believe ya put dat bitch on da phone I could tell that didn’t want me from ya tone I’d do anything for you, and this is how ya treat me Abuse and diseve me? Ya abused mah trust and everything I had in you You where the one I gave it up to I thought that we was in love But I think it was just a line fa ya ta get mah stuff You have the bitch call me again She still sayin all ya are is friends If this true why ya tryin harder to convince me Like ya truly hidden something from me Now mah parents wantin this relationship to end But I know it’s something that we can mend But for us to fix this we gotta work it out Even though mah parents are in doubt I know that we can fix this mess Cause I want the feelin that I had every time that we would caress I know our love is there, just under all this fighting When every time we spent together was exciting You was the one who always put a smile on my face And I knew that you were the one for me every time we would embrace You took me outta a abusive relationship Then we started off wit a friendship A week lata it turned into more You’re the one that I would love forever more You weren’t an average guy If it came between me and you, you would be tha one to dye You weren’t the type to fuck me and leave You also gave me my space so I could breathe But once we had our first fight that went away You always said that I was neva gon’ stay But baby I’m still here now aint I? Fightin so we can still be together till we dye I was tha type to buy you whatever you wanted Now I think you took me for garnet We was the type to always put up a front People neva knew we had so many problems even when they would confront We always came off as always happy When we both knew at times we was both unhappy Now we have all these problems comin up Now we both ready to call it quits and break up But we both can’t stand to leave each other When we both have such strong feelings fa one another Now all we can do is let time go So in the future we will know Know if it was ment to be Be me and you along Now mah feelins for you are so strong So strong that I can’t let you go Even though I know ya do me wrong which we both know Then again life is tough God is testing our love Now we will see if we will still be together Be the couple that lasts forever Last edited by XJenxIsxAxBozzX : 07-19-06 at 12:43 AM. |
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07-19-06, 12:39 AM
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#2
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New to RV
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IP: FDB4 EFE6
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07-21-06, 03:13 AM
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#3
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Skadoosh!
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IP: 5BFB C1C7
Wow, nobody leaving any feedback. Don't take it personal, fuckers are lazy on this site. Anyway, I liked this piece. I am always more partial to real-life pieces rather than created pieces. To me, the real life ones pack more emotion in them. Overall, the piece is nice... its got a good flow to it and you don't try and forcefully pack it with overly complex words to make it seem better. I like the simplistic style that you have used and I think that doing so has given the emotion a bigger sense of realism, thus it comes across as being more powerful than it would if it was forced.
Decent read, if you have any more pieces then just send me some links and I'll be happy to leave some feedback for you.  - N.F.
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07-22-06, 02:56 AM
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#4
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ROFL @ u niggas since '04
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IP: FC94 E1E4
THis piece was ok. like Nick said it had a lot of emotions and real life behind it. You explained wat was going on really well, but you should describe things more deeply in order to get the readers into your world. slow the down the turn of even to a few lines and how you delt with em so we can really see wats going on. You already got the basics of rhyming down, you just need to add a bit more story telling to it and you'll be more fiya.
I give ur piece a 6.5/10. thats not bad so dont trip, I just dont like to give high scores to much unless its Super ill feel me. Keep droping pieces. next time put links in ur sig to advertise it and you'll get more feed then u would if you just wrote it and left it there gauranteed. '1'
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figure I could drop by and promote my my first mixtape and what not since im here..  
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