By Myself...

im by myself in my task
dont kno how long i will last but for now i'll straight blast
til the day i hit my casket layin up lookin at the sky
closed eyes playin Hail Mary for my guys
i will revolutionize so i can make it all eyez on me
watchin me make moves so that nobody will think to try me
my patience is wearin thin its about to break like a limb
my mind's confused and its spinnin like rims
right now im going thru pain makin it hard to write
no fright but my mind is losin its sight
clouded by homicidal thoughts flowin thru my veins
alone on my own strain on my brain im suicidal and insane
so paranoid my life is empty like desert voids
annoyed by stress and anger ur in danger of being destroyed
tried to avoid the impulses to kill
fuck it all like im poppin pills and now im gonna be honin my skill
becomin perfect and complete
erasin everything thats crossin my path like im pressin delete
but now im back to the streets gettin my destiny right
no messin with me right im just lookin for my light
to shine in and be a star and i hope i can get that far
practicin every day so im writin these bars
im on a paper chase like Makaveli and his outlaws
eliminatin frauds now i kno this is my true cause
its a toss up and its anyone's ball i gotta be a fighter
a straight up G and a true motherfuckin rider
willin to die for what i truely want to obtain
workin forever straight thru weather like snow and rain
out there makin money im only done when ur pockets are heavy
levy everything i can so i can become ready
to break out and become something even better
makin more cheddar than ever and i'll finally be with my destiny forever

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2521587

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2521574

flow was a bit off, that could be caused by bad structure you have stretched and way to short lines...try to balance them out with syllables . vocab was not the best ive seen...you could enhance it as you go along in your open mic career. Your emotion could be upped as you get into detail and up ur imagery...this was a beginner-mediocore open mic honestly nothing special..but it was iight stay up homey....5.5/10

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A LIFE OF CHRYME