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Old 07-22-05, 04:19 PM   #1
Os1ris
[ a.k.a Os ]
 
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Posts: 773
Joined: Dec 2004
From: The Squared Circle
Status: Offline
Text Record: 2-0
The Seer

IP: F519 0F67

The Seer

We dance to the rhythm of dreams
Different in scheme
Stuck between the real and
Reality
Speak truth through fatality
Immortality
Casually saddening
Finality
We behold the pale horse
And
Evade remorse
As the perceptions of the day
Become acquainted in dreams
Fade into the scenes, I
Try not to cry, I
Hit the ground twice
But can’t not see
We ask not, want not
God pours through We
Stay in dimensional limbo
He did this to me
Weeds finish through me
As a nightmare escapes
I dare awake, and
Write where its fate
Has a light fair gait
Born of grizzly pate
Through the dungeons and purgatory
Fights dared in hate
We are the prophets of heart
Emotions abound
Those are the sounds
Of the hope filled abound.
I write because my heart
Is compelled by it.
I can’t stop.
My thoughts are repelled my it.
I see, feel, hear, taste
And smell by it.
Perceive the world with my pen,
Escape cells by it.
Stand in the fellowship of men
And fair angels in bloom
Angles of whom create
Infinite space in a room
Of antiquity
Time is here, no past or future
That’s the route through which the soul
Must pass to suit the
Needs of understanding
Demanding sometimes on man
The
Capacity to finally see his dreams.
I remember night scapes
When I awake and I relate
To try and make the night awake
And denial fly away.
We as poets owe a duty to the world of readers
Future seers borne through our words as breeders
We’re the
Way the heart is heard or seen
Worst can be the loss of heart’s purity
We’re the soldiers in the night
Bearing boulders of light
On Shoulders of might
With the Onus to write
Verbal Onanism
Sinful if we spill forth our wisdom
Never to be read, never to be heard or forgiven
Speak, fair poet, youthful muses and scribes
You can ignite your youthfulness through truthful delight.
Shout down, vintage sage. Speak once through your eyes
Give us the might of wisdom from your decades of site.
This is the right and true path of the poet and seer
Who holds a power and a burden through the purpose so clear.


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Old 07-22-05, 05:26 PM   #2
Acuity
Rastafari Walk Tall
 
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Joined: Aug 2004
From: East London, (Hackney)
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Audio Record: 15-9
IP: 397A 67AA

Topic Was really feeling this topic fam...nice different to the norm..aptly titled
Content
Im not really sure yo..ima re-read a couple of timez n alter this l8r...it seems like its pretty simple in what its about and conveying..i duno...ill see
Structure
Real nice, liked it...you got a unique style thats real accessible...this piece flowed fluidly from start to finish, the lines were concise and precise and straight to the point no over complification
Imagery
Born of grizzly pate
Through the dungeons and purgatory
Fights dared in hate
We are the prophets of heart
Emotions abound
Those are the sounds
Of the hope filled abound.


^those lines stood out to me...imagery is real vivid and i re read that bit liek 3 times
Emotion
Pours out...a lot of emotion in this...:
I see, feel, hear, taste
And smell by it.
Perceive the world with my pen

^ you used punctuation perfectly in these lines...made the shit emotional and emphatic....dopeness
Devices (metaphors/similies etc)
meh...not many..but when u did, u came wid nice original shizzle yo:
Stand in the fellowship of men
And fair angels in bloom
Angles of whom create
Infinite space in a room

^DAMN
Problems
shit felt like too much of a song...but meh..thats a personal response...you kept a nice tight structure and let it slip at the end...should have kept the form constant
Improve
Chanign up styles, rhymeschemes, more devices

IF YA DNT LIKE MA FBAK….SUCK MA DICK…ITS MY OPINION YOU CAN CHOOSE TO LIKE IT OR NOT…..

AS OF NOW ALL YOUR POSTS MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FBAK LINK!!!!!
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Old 07-23-05, 01:24 PM   #3
Artik Phrost
+...Femin-iLL...+
 
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Posts: 562
Joined: Oct 2004
From: -NapTown-
Status: Offline
Text Record: 7-4
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Graphics Record: 0-0
IP: 6E69 7B24

Sweet Jesus...Its Long


Ya Strucure Was kew...Pretty Str8 Topic...Im Feeling It

Quoteables:

"Emotions abound
Those are the sounds
Of the hope filled abound.
I write because my heart
Is compelled by it.
I can’t stop.
My thoughts are repelled my it.
I see, feel, hear, taste
And smell by it.
Perceive the world with my pen,
Escape cells by it."

^sick imagery....

"Way the heart is heard or seen
Worst can be the loss of heart’s purity
We’re the soldiers in the night
Bearing boulders of light
On Shoulders of might
With the Onus to write
Verbal Onanism
Sinful if we spill forth our wisdom
Never to be read, never to be heard or forgiven
Speak, fair poet, youthful muses and scribes
You can ignite your youthfulness through truthful delight.
Shout down, vintage sage. Speak once through your eyes
Give us the might of wisdom from your decades of site.
This is the right and true path of the poet and seer
Who holds a power and a burden through the purpose so clear
."


these two were deep for me..and i love reading stuff on another level...the onli thing i didnt like was the length...people sleep a lot on here....and a good thing will get passed up...other than that this was pretty good
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