Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
08-02-04, 01:04 PM | #1 | |||
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"Just Another Day" Pt 1:
IP: A001 97D8
Step out threw the old white doorway with chipped white paint
Like the contents within it's belly, the doorway robbed of its face My black and white converse with a gaping hole in the side takes the street I take a furious pace down the red and orange checkerd walks of the east Reach to my pocket, hit the button of my walkman and toggle the volume Trying to dround out the sounds of evils chimes in so many sizes n' volumes Look to my right and see the local drug dealers looking so suspicious Know about how they currupt the community but no one goes against this Steady keep my stride as I turn my head back and look at the ground walking Music blaring yet so many thoughts break this distractions taunting Walk past an ally way and see the usual mad getting beat, seams so familiar Keep walking past because why should this man make this instance differ Walking faster tryning to not let my feeling and thoughts get the better of me Hit the volume of my player to keep myself away from a better part of me A block away my disc begins to skip as so I pull my walkman outa my pocket Battery bar finished, nothing left to distract with I look back an though this To many times are the weak taking for granite by the lesser a man Its time for me to step up and take more then walk, have to take a stand Run back jacket flairing in the wind hat blew off on my way back to the ally skid to a stop staring down what decision I had chose to have thrown at me To Be Continued... Last edited by Willy Wonka : 08-02-04 at 01:16 PM. |
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08-02-04, 06:06 PM | #2 | |||
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IP: A001 97D8
Dont sleep.
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08-02-04, 08:51 PM | #3 | |||
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IP: A001 97D8
Assholes
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08-03-04, 04:45 AM | #4 | |||||||
Vendetta the K.O. King
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IP: 78D8 9CA9
Not bad. Should work on spelling it all as a few times I was thrown by little things. Good description - but should really have tried to finish it all at once man. I'll watch for pt. II
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08-03-04, 11:09 AM | #5 | |||
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IP: A001 97D8
Thanx alot man, it's my first so i'm shure there's alot more then just that shit i've got to fix.
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08-03-04, 02:57 PM | #6 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: AF3D 05DD
I really like the words you chose to rhyme...because, it didn't seem force...once in awhile I thought the lines got a little choppy...but, it was alright because it worked for this piece. Interesting topic I suppose, I like that what you see and how you are receiving every detail in life...it was a cool way to put everything in perspective. Sometimes, I think you may of used more delicate words...if you know what I mean? Some words will leave a better and bigger impact on the reader if chosen correctly...other then that I thought this was a very nice piece and I enjoyed reading it...
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08-03-04, 02:58 PM | #7 | |||
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IP: A001 97D8
Thaaaaaaaank you. Upping for more responses.
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08-04-04, 02:11 PM | #8 | |||
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IP: A001 97D8
Upping.
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08-04-04, 06:00 PM | #9 | |||||
New to RB
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IP: CBB6 1016
i like ur word choice also
actually tha only thing i saw wrong with it is your structure when u look at it all u see is a big mass of grey...and no one wants to read that so spread it out more and shorten u lines u should be good then by tha way u should go return tha favor and drop somefeedback 4 my tow poems: "your pain is my pain" and "turn for tha worse" |
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08-04-04, 11:35 PM | #10 | |||
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IP: A001 97D8
Nooooooooooo doubt.
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