the single man, lives lonely,
he got no woman, that he can give a boning,
he lies in his bed crying, instead of moaning,
his just an ordinary man,
going through life with out a plan,

taking the oppertunities as they come,
missing out, on the ladies that he could of, or should of won,
the mans got no confidence, he has too much shame,
he reckons all the ladies think his lame,
he starts thinkin crazy, like it could be his name,
or goes to the extreme that his not a player in this game,

he shouldnt be caring about the things he say,
if he didnt give a fuck, he wouldnt need game to play,
he starts turning whack n thinkin about turning gay,
but its his life, and i aint gona judge, cause thats his way,
of dealin with not gettin none, not like the rest,
all having their fun, with even more then one,
he doesnt want it all, he just wants some,

but he doesnt work hard, at gettin wat he wants,
he just sits there waiting, for them to come,
or still kinda waiting for that special someone,
but he has to realise that she might not be the one,
or she may never come, cause theres always another time,
but right now he should have have his fun,

she might come later, when everyone starts to slow down,
stop moving around, he might be the one that shes finally found,
but now his life lives on a different type of ground,
he thought about this girl his whole life,
he craved, he wished, he dreamed of, the whole time,
but maybe times change, n he wishd of a different wife,

he thought are girls really just a waste or time?
not only that, they can ruin your whole life,
he thought more about it, and the more obvious it became,
that girls come and go, but also come again,
theres plenty of girls that lie in the sea,
pick any that u chose, and they will come from the beneath,

the man then realised, that he will never be alone,
one day it will happen, start a family,
n turn a house into a home,
just has to be patient with the ones that dick him around,
and then finally the right one will be found,
so he shouldnt stress over or even lose sleep,
cause eventually the perfect women that he wants...
he will eventually meet...

dont be sleepin on me, please give me some feedback on this..
peace out...

zzzzzzzzz.. everyone is sleepin on me
please give some replies..

hey dude, that was an ill piece.....really kept the flow the whole way threw. i would like to give some construtive critisism....but it seems like got this shit down, keep it up!

Well, first of all this seemed more like a poem to me instead of an open mic. It had some Heiku type shit going on or something lol. But really, you need to extend your lines a lil further because with it being the way it is now it'd choppy. This topic is also played, originality helps a lot towards illness. I don't think there is anything else that I see that is wrong with it. Once you start getting the hang of all this you can start adding some inner rhyme scheme and shit to improve also. Oh yea, and add imagery.

pz

I'm not going to respond to the piece...but here-

Basically, your rhymes are "simple"...this can be a good thing, but you still gotta make them ill. Go to your local library, read up on some poetry stuff. Not like read poems, or stuff like Edgar Allen Poe, or Shakespeare, but read books that teach the elements and ways of poetry. The Basics of poetry.

For the most part, rap is poetry. A difference of topics, and the fact that rap has a beat is pretty much the difference.