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12-18-03, 06:06 PM | #1 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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Fairy tale
IP: C29C BF71
A child brought up to belive life for a magical land
Faith in a beautiful future before he could even stand Stories of faires, magic, and love thats grand The tale is over and now reality stabs It grabs, throws, pulls, and smacks The pain of life where thin love barely fills empty cracks Slowly the cracks fall apart Now misery begins and the real life starts The child now a teenager and cant take more The dazzling princesses are now revealed as crack whores The kings riches are gone and and the kingdom left poor Seems the whole world falls a bit short Wakes up in the morning, the time is nine He feels the pain and struggles of life Instead of the beautiful woman-locked by a insulant wife His faith in the bible gone-stabbed with a knife by christ Any life can be destroyed if the price is right Aging, the man's life flashes before his eyes and he runs out of time As a todler he's tought lessons from a page slowly the lessons fade no one is hearing what hes trying to say he recognized the pain and starts goin into a craze now the rage starts to raise deranged, and in rage, his anger begins a chase his love for life is slain and tries to find his way out of the maze blinded by rage he grabs grenades he find his victims and begins to spray he's shot down in his sinister day there he lay-the evil renegade he died with his soul stray, died on lifes stage the clock struck eight.... http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...8579#post998579 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=98909 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=98522
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Po'Ethics.
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12-18-03, 09:40 PM | #2 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 785F 1F17
u kno what im gonna say..i likes awhole lot soo true and its amazing how the fairy tales dissentigrate and reality develops it hurts but i really like this kid..keep it up i rally have no suggestions caws its great like this...
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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12-18-03, 09:44 PM | #3 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: C29C BF71
thanx alot , at least sumone on this site is still alive. any one else read my poem?
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Po'Ethics.
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12-18-03, 09:48 PM | #4 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 785F 1F17
give it time its only been up here today its good peeps will check it and catchy title ....hey peep my stuff if ya get a chance..thanks..
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my head is clouded with senseless doubt but this seems to be my only escape route so ill slither my way across the ground to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~ |
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12-19-03, 03:26 PM | #5 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: 7B2D 5EB6
uppin
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Po'Ethics.
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12-21-03, 10:36 AM | #6 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: C29C BF71
stil uppin
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Po'Ethics.
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12-22-03, 12:24 PM | #7 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: D750 9F12
cmon niggas, i need sum feedback before i could put up another one...
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Po'Ethics.
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12-22-03, 12:49 PM | #8 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 7A38 2D7B
yeah..i was feeling it..and i know what you mean about innactivity these days..any way, back to the poem..see, the thing i liked most about it was that it was so true..you portrayed my thoughts and feelings...that life seems great until you grow and become less nieve..you reach a point in life where you realise that its just the same old same old..and you just feel like its never gonna change..as a teenager, lifes the hardest..i been through some shit you probably wouldn't think of..but its taught me a lot..good poem.
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12-22-03, 09:52 PM | #9 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: EB5F 1C91
liba dee, thank you. for, number one, understading my poem, # 2 givin good feedback and not being lazy, number 3 responding, yes, its been dead in this forum....
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Po'Ethics.
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12-23-03, 01:56 PM | #10 | |||||||
Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4427 B15C
so dead its scary
It starts out very nicely written, with good structure and a powerful point to help get your message across. But the further you read into it, the more and more emotion spills into the piece. You used good vocab in this. kept it simple, with your message plainly laid out, made it a strong piece. you showed your thoughts and emotions well with lots of detail, and gave examples that almost anyone can relate to. it was a very nice read. check out some of my stuff ~Tera~ DONT HATE
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R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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12-24-03, 11:34 PM | #11 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: DFE3 215B
upped, just want one more opinion, preferably from vet
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Po'Ethics.
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12-30-03, 12:26 AM | #12 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: FDEC 1B17
upped
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Po'Ethics.
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01-02-04, 10:36 PM | #13 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 18CD 6470
CLOSED because you have more than two pieces on front page.
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