|
|
|
|
| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
|
|
01-23-04, 10:19 AM
|
#1
|
|
|
New to RB
|
Growing Pains
IP:
...Growing Pains... ...The Beginning of The End... ...as feelings unfold..relationships complicate... ...partners withhold..secrets from their soulmate... ...strain deepens..thoughts grow distant... ...life thru a lens..problems exsistent... ...realiability inconsistent... ...let downs consistent... ...spouses grow complacent... ...so far apart..yet adjacent... ...How Things Were... ...happy couple..living for the moment... ...like virgin wool..exploring each untouched indent... ...new terratory..they enjoyed learning... ...emotional glory..fires of love burning... ...new reationships...often the best... ...but when feelings grow..can they pass the test... ...as time streches longer... ...and troubles concur... ...will love dispearse... ...or will it grow stronger... ...Growing Pains... ...as time passes...each grows more demanding... ...jealously surpasses...rational thinking... ...each becomes suspicious... ...after hearing rumors..nothing but malicious... ...anger at cirucmstances..totally ficticious... ...blinds the fact... ...really theyre auspicious... ...to have such an attentive partner... ...pray for things how they were... ...but like time..life keeps moving forward... ...causing moments of feeling akward... ...when accusations of adultery are uttered... ...heart becomes cluttered... ...only way to move on... ...is to no longer be together as one... ...How Things Are Now... ...once too young lovers... ...now hate the sight of each other... ...how things change... ...when jealously reigns... ...and couples dont survive... ...the growing pains...
__________________
<center>Suicide inc.</center> |
|
|
|
01-23-04, 10:23 AM
|
#2
|
||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP:
..Wow..pretty good..I actually enjoyed reading this...you have talent~~~~
~~Click "Dear journal~~ |
||
 
|
|
|
01-23-04, 10:25 AM
|
#3
|
|
|
Guest
|
IP:
yo that was pretty nice
what penskills said you have talent current battle = http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108901 |
|
|
|
|
01-23-04, 11:51 AM
|
#4
|
|
|
Guest
|
IP:
Nice & small...I liked your flow I was also feeling you on this...very emotional and I think it happens to us all
|
|
|
|
|
01-23-04, 03:06 PM
|
#5
|
|
|
New to RB
|
IP:
^^^^^^
__________________
<center>Suicide inc.</center> |
|
|
|
|
01-23-04, 03:09 PM
|
#6
|
||
|
Banned: Spamming
|
IP:
I enjoyed this, especially the ...Growing Pains... part..
The way u formulated certain emotions is pretty unique.. Short but strong lines with good flow..makes for a amazing impact. I'm assuming this is some sort of a quick key.. Showing alot of potential. |
||
|
|
|
01-23-04, 03:22 PM
|
#7
|
|
|
...
|
IP:
hmmmmm....did every verse trail off on purpose?
it seemed like the flow was cool at the beginning of each verse, but it slowly trailed off into 3 word lines...which doesn't sound really good. I find it helps to write it as if you're going to rap it, that way you develope a flow to it. A good way to find flow is to try to have around the same amount of syllables in every line. sometimes subdividing pieces with titles loses the flow. unless each subdivided area is a section of it's own. at the beginning of the growing pains section, you rhyme demanding and thinking, which don't rhyme. With words the end in common suffixes (ie. -ing, -ed etc) you need to rhyme the syllable that comes before the suffix in order for the word to rhyme properly (ie. comanding & demanding, thinking & winking). your take on the topic was pretty good, I don't think I would have been able to think of something like this for it. I actually would not have been able to write to this topic =/ nice piece man, room for elevation, but theres always room for that peace
__________________
Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
|
|
|
|
|
01-23-04, 03:52 PM
|
#8
|
|
|
Guest
|
IP:
this was an iight piece... more of a poem then a verse, but it had some nyce points... mainly because you got a nyce vocab and that really added something extra to this.
this got stronger as it went on and the story unfolded... I think the first half lacked a little emotion. But then end picked up and made this worth reading. I really liked the way it ended... this was a good piece mang. Stay at it... |
|
|
|
|
01-23-04, 04:04 PM
|
#9
|
||
|
_-Lucky Rabbits Foot-_
|
IP:
very good work... stuck on topic...
pretty talented as said penskills... you aproached the topic ver well... hit up my open mic in my sig... COrrupted Visionz:Reppin'
__________________
_-Current Battles-_
SyaNidal \v/ Diverse _-Open Mics-_
....Tragic..Death..I.... ....Tragic..Death..II....  _-::.CorruptedVisionz.::-_
|
||
|
|
|
01-23-04, 04:25 PM
|
#10
|
||
|
Straight Savage.
|
IP:
Your flow was very confusing..Not saying that the Piece as a whole was bad, but flow plays an essential part sometimes. It seemed kinda confusing as each line kept decreasing. You did it enough times to convince me that it was on purpose so I was wondering why did you use that. Other than that, this piece was very well executed. Good imagery, and its what I liked most about it, and it came a bit misleading but that is okay. Work on what Maven said, it helps out alot. Good Job and I hope to see more from you in the future.
__________________
Only God can judge me, Who THE FUCK IS YOU?! |
||
|
|
|
01-23-04, 04:33 PM
|
#11
|
||
|
Light Weight
|
IP:
more of a poem then a rap but still it was nice ,
u lost the flow every now and then and the structure wasnt so good but it was a good read http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108195 |
||
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Hybrid Mode
