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Old 01-22-04, 01:28 PM   #1
Maven
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lukewarm feelings on a face that feels like mine
comprehending God's design, linear motion from behind
counting one to nine, but the values keep on changing
don't know how to slow aging, taking now for rearranging
thinking "wow, this is engaging" when I do not understand
it's true that we can't land, so please take me by the hand
and explain the little person who always whispers in my ear
stupid-struck with fear I find that I'm too blind to hear
the warnings that would tell me what was wrong with my life
while the morning mourning did nothing strong to incite
a little light on the subject of passive instigation
movement heading for creation of a massive mental patient
and my actions are not mine, I simple watch them happen
the reaction's coming fine, just look to the past when
I can't stop it, my body starts to shudder and jolt
in another revolt, just try to be stubborn and bold
my hands grow cold, the show told me I'm not myself
but I assure me that I am in perfect mental health
and moving with stealth, I go about my normal buisness
but I feel my real life coming; not feeling senseless
it all crumbles and falls and makes me realise something
the light in the tunnel was that of something oncoming
I felt somewhat wrong humming as the train came near
I was really quite detached as I felt that same fear
and as contact was made, there was no pain to deal with
I simply stepped out with no motivation to feel this

finding it difficult to take in all of what I just said
I came to the realization: I was a guest in my own head
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Old 01-22-04, 05:48 PM   #2
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rrrrrreeeeeeeee-plie
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Old 01-22-04, 05:53 PM   #3
Penskills
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..very good desricption of words...I really think your first line has alot of impact..I can't really pin-point why(I'm an idoit)but to me that was a powerful line...everything flowed very well..your content was excellent(something different from the most)..This was simply a "Dope" piece..
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Old 01-22-04, 05:59 PM   #4
Dev
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interesting concept... and ya carried a nice flow, and good scheme, with a well worded verse... in a couple of places i thought a couple of words seemed a bit forced, but mostly a smooth read thru... and expressed well.....
.....can you return the favour.....
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Old 01-22-04, 06:04 PM   #5
Viscosity
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this was a dope concept, good flow and few fillers but, still a great read...
I liked this alot.. dope structure...
damn 2 this PenSkills, u postin machine:
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lol but still dope piece
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Old 01-23-04, 01:59 PM   #6
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yep
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Old 01-23-04, 02:53 PM   #7
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Dope piece. Nice flow, showed some real good imagery,
got a well developed writers voice, original take on
the topic, good use of vocabulary, overall real good drop,
keep it up = )

can you check this out, and leave some feedback on how can elevate, thanks

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=109162
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