Yo check it... I haven't been here in months... and I just wrote something the other day... it's not finished... but i felt like posting it just to see what y'all think... I guess I'm trying to see if people still think I got a bit of skill... lol... check it...

A pregnant mother looking out at the city, holding her stomach feeling all types of pity, cause it’s a gritty, shitty/
Type of world where she’s living, not really worth it for bringing, another mouth to be feeding, a pair of lungs to be breathing, the feeling’s killing her will, her spirit is scribbling ill/

Could tell she’s facing depression, just by her facial expressions, can see there’s building of tension, between herself and aggressors/
She’s speaking to her unborn, will it be weak or be strong, is it a daughter or son, will gutters be it’s new home, or will it’s mother move on, now that her lover is gone, she simply mutters a song, and it goes som'... like this...

thanks for reading, now let me know what you think... give me some honest shit... peace

Eh...

Good use of multi's...

Perhaps too many, but the flow was there.

Format sucked, though...
Lines were extended too long.

Also, there was no wordplay, metas, or complexity.

This was all straight forward except for the multi's.

Good story, good imagery.

Alot of potential.

Just lay off about a third of those multi's...

And replace it with complexity.

Peace

__________________
Merkings will occur Monday thru Friday, 8 am thru 5 pm, C.S.T.
For my convenience, not yours!

Forcing Tha Multis A Bit
Good Useage Of Vocab
Strucutre Is Soo Fucked
Other Than This Song Iz
Straight.. Good Work

__________________

ok its cool except all the dam multies...there should be like only 2 multies a line...
the song is nice tho....stayed on concept...u stretch your lines too dam much son...

Could tell she’s facing depression, just by her facial expressions, can see there’s building of tension, between herself and aggressors/

nice^^

overall its cool...stay off that multie man...your good to go after words...

3.9/5...

Since I Replied To Yours...it would be fair if you did the same please...thx...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...166#post1118166

thanks for they feedback y'all...
for real... too much multies? maybe... but it's not like I'm veering off my topic to put'em in there... they're not really forced...
yeah, my structure be funny like that... lol... but I don't think it ruins the flow or nothing...
Peace

come on, I know y'all can give me more feedback than that...

i thought the flow was the best thing about it... really got going... some nice multis, but i agree the format was a bit unconventional, but since the flow was there, dont think it really matters... and the story was told well....

its was good.
nice use of mutil's a bit to much..but theres nothing wrong with that
topic was ok
wished u could of finished it. vocab was ok too.
pretty basic flow nothing really caught my eye over all you get a 6.5 outta 10.


Peace......
1.............