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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-09-04, 10:03 AM
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#1
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Banned: Spamming
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Penskills Presents:...X...
IP: C1DA C961
Another III part Story From Yours Truly... ...X... [Excerpt from Statement from victim's friend] My friend went to a club, right? Down in D.C., Sampling the night life and the sounds of the streets. He was around twenty-three, and just outta school Naïve. I could always tell he was about to be fooled by the way that he grinned. I won’t say he was dumb Just young. ‘Sides, this could’ve happened to anyone… I know...please continue My friend’s sister told her roommate, who told the mother of my cousin’ that my friend…His Name? Oh, Eddy Freeman’ walked into a club in Northeast, kinda close to The Dream. but not as classy. A hole in the wall called The Revine. He had never been there before and he probably looked it That stupid grin on his face was the bait for those crooked Penniless crooks stalkin’ the city’s pityless darkness rippin’ ya body parts for the parts and dumpin’ the carcus But instead, they say he met some strange-assed chick And witnesses say that she was thick from the waist and hips... to her lips, round, mahagony brown, straight ridiculous Chocolate drop features you could almost taste the tip of it. They say her eyes were so light, they almost seemed yellow It took a moment to get himself together to speak, "hello?" They talked, exchanged pleasentries, he asked her to dance She led him to the back by his hand, and latched to his pants Attackin’ the groove, she moved with the motion of wind And her eyes were so big that they seemed to focus within’... the pit of his soul, that’s how a man gets coaxed into sin Right about then, witnesses say, he was showin’ that grin. Damn… My friend, my man! Why wasn’t I there to stop you? Why wasn’t it me and not you? But Lord, she got you in her grasp. I see it now: in the midsts of the throng Sexy no doubt, but folks noticed the outfit she had on Her fire red attire hid her ankles to the wrists of her arms But still showin’ her curves and the imprint of her thong A dip in the songs soon allowed for the two to escape Outside into her car for privacy, he followed mindlessly They left, he switched his thoughts of her unusual taste to her beautiful shape, blind to the doom he would face They said, next morning he was found in a shallow stream on halloween, missing his lower jawbone and all his teeth He'd been scraped clean of facial tissue, and gangrene's initial development had began on both his broken hands His mouth was wide open...he had been killed screamin' so they believe this happened while he was still breathin' He kept passing out.... and I guess to fuck with his mind smelling salt residue proved he'd been revived a coupla times to keep it going...I heard maybe hours without an end I — I can't believe I'm talkin' about a friend... I'm sorry man, but that's all the information I can give you... [Interview ended. Subject unable to continue.] ..To Be Continued.... |
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02-09-04, 10:08 AM
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#2
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New to RB
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this is tight
IP: 7A52 73B1
wha up dog hey this is tight check my out alright Nanos Reality Check
Yo dawg , reply like this again & u are banned dude , word up man, yea pz.. EDDY!
__________________
 Lunatic
Last edited by Edicius : 02-09-04 at 10:43 AM. |
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02-09-04, 10:16 AM
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#3
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: C1DA C961
Quote:
 stop leaving gay replies! |
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02-09-04, 10:19 AM
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#4
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Flyweight
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IP: 4577 CD9A
Flows alright here but I've seen better from you. First four bars after "I know...please continue" are all kinda choppy. Vocab nice and descriptive once again. Well told story - thus far. Overall - 8.5 I've seen you ask what you're weaknesses are before - My personal opinion is that you seem a bit removed from your works. In other words it seems like your narrating a story rather than living it. I don't really feel your emotion coming thru. Just my thoughts - nice piece though as usual.
Oh - yeah and someone hit my "Broken Metamorphosis" |
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02-09-04, 10:19 AM
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#5
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"The Eleete"
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IP: FAD9 BD2A
Dayam Pen!!! This was great!! Imagery was on point!! Flow was smooth!!.....everything fit so nicely!.........The story was great an the last verse was dope!! *Crowd Chants* LEEEEEEEEEEGEEEEEENDS!!!LEEEEEEEEEGEEEEEEEENDS!!!L EEEEEEEGEEEEEEEEEEENDS!!!!!! J/K Good job pen keep doing your thing.......i like the story telling you do.......makes for interesting open mics......peace
Last edited by ELEETE : 02-09-04 at 10:23 AM. |
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02-09-04, 10:22 AM
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#6
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Whoa...
This was tight... Lets start by critisizing your ass... Im confused as to why its called '....X....' Thats all the critisizm out of me... Moving on... iight... Imagery was excellent... You can picture him being led to the car... Can picture in your mind how he was revived by the smelling salts... How he has no lower jaw bone when the police came... Amazing... Flow was on through most... Vocabulary was there... Could of been more... But it was enough as it was... Maybe more would of over done it... You described it all very well... Instead of using basic words like 'brown'... You used 'mahagony'... Makes it that much better... Creative... It was just that... Never seen anything like this... So its original aswell... Keep dropping hoe  Hit up... 'The Challenge' in my sig... Thanks... Pz... |
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02-09-04, 10:22 AM
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#7
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: C1DA C961
Quote:
 Let's not start that again...  |
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02-09-04, 10:26 AM
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#8
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: C1DA C961
Quote:
^ It wasn't meant to rhyme..it was the narration...and yes lot of my works are more of a story,,which makes me different from the most... |
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02-09-04, 12:05 PM
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#9
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Flyweight
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IP: C1DA C961
Do you want me to elaborate - or just shut up?
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02-09-04, 02:34 PM
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#10
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 64FF 9747
^uppin..............Misfits........
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02-09-04, 02:53 PM
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#11
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Pen man... Your sig has cut the bottom off... Wierd... Sort it out hoe...
Pz.. |
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02-09-04, 02:56 PM
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#12
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 64FF 9747
Quote:
?????????????????????????? |
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02-09-04, 02:57 PM
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#13
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Suspended Suspense
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IP: EC0B 84C7
I liked it, I'm not gonna go off on the "Legends" Spiel, but it may well deserve it.
I have a criticism to lay down before I get to the glorifying. My main problem with this, is you would lose your flow every once in a while, usually due to a scheme change, sometimes you would put a transition in, sometimes you wouldn't. With a rhyme scheme like this, It makes it very hard for the reader to actually keep the flow. Now onto the good stuff. Without a doubt, you are one of the best storytellers on RB, no joke. It's wonderfull to see someone putting so much effort into every piece they throw out. Your vocab in this one, was very well suited for the piece, it was just enough to be noticed, but not take the attention away from the story. Your imagery bro, It's just great, no other way to put it. All in all, this was a great piece, easily deserves an open mic of the month slot, but I just don't know about legends. |
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02-09-04, 02:59 PM
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#14
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 64FF 9747
Quote:
^ thanks for the honest feedback..yes I don't think this was legendary??? or is it???? LMao(although my last one was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and for OM of the month?????????????????Hmmm~~~~~~~~~let's see......................... Last edited by Penskills : 02-09-04 at 04:06 PM. |
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02-09-04, 03:03 PM
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#15
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
You wait hoebag... Im challenging you to OM of the month this month...
Wait till my next drop... Prepare to pick your jaw off the floor... Neway... About your sig... It had cut off the bottom of the 'P' in Eclipse... But youve sorted it out now... Pz... |
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