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12-29-03, 08:57 AM | #1 | ||||||
Guest
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True Love
IP: 5203 B663
When i saw her first time it was instant
i smiled, but it didnt go away , it was consistent We went out after that once , twice than again there was more than looks to her, she had a brain She met my mother , than my father meeting her parents was a lot harder Everyone said we would last the distance we just smiled at them while holding hands There was arguments sure Than once i called her a whore She cried, i said sorry , but this started another story I wanted to push my limits , see how far she would go Started telling her that this relation ship was turning to a bore she cried everynight telling me she loved me I kept on saying to her I wanted to be free than, i broke up with her, she called back and started to plee We were back together, she was convinced we would last, you see I loved her so much, but loved to see her sad It was againsed her religion, but we made love in my bed Braking up was a weekly thing for me but by Friday one again it would be "we" Than i crossed a line one time i though, I cheated on her, and got cought She cried, but such was her hope, she forgave " We are braking up" were my words the next day She didnt call the next day, than two , than 3 than a week than i tried calling her all i got was a Beep. two years passed, and i still feel like that first day Still trying her number, 'sorry, i love you' is what i wanna say One day a policment came to my door " A girl had jumped of the 10th floor" Than a Note i was given it read "You are forgiven" |
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12-29-03, 10:39 AM | #2 | |||||||
Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 4427 B15C
wow alot of twists in this piece! keeps changing directions, which kept me interested. its a sad topic, him loving to hurt her, but its a real topic, and you brought it here strong and in good light. The message and feeling to this piece was great! real strong with good detail. The intro was pretty good, it made me think thou that this was another lovey dovey poem, which it was far from. and your outro was dead on, i loved how it ended, thou it was sad. i like this piece alot! i'll be looking for more!
~Tera~ DONT HATE can you check out my piece, Cold Hate, sometime.
__________________
R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven Last edited by filed : 12-29-03 at 10:54 AM. |
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12-29-03, 12:39 PM | #3 | |||||||
Registered User
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IP: 8197 FA9C
wow this was a nice piece, it kinda lacked the vocab tho, it was kinda basic, but next to that, it was fulla emotions. The story went very quick so you really had to get in there and feel it... I didn't see the outcome, so that was really nice.
In fact I really didn't except this poem to turn out the way it did, so that made it only positive in my eyes. Keep 'em comin resp |
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12-29-03, 03:30 PM | #4 | ||||
Banned: Spamming
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IP: C1DA C961
..I hate love poems..it makes me teary eyed...LOL!!!!..
anyway..very 'good' poem...your choice of words were 'fantastic'..looking forward to your future work.. |
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12-29-03, 07:26 PM | #5 | ||||||
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IP: 5203 B663
what can i say thanks for the support guys and girls.
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12-29-03, 10:11 PM | #6 | ||||||
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IP: CAFA B61A
Dang you got my eyes burning. Shoo that touched me right there. I like how you put your emotions in there. It made it easier to connect with the reader.
Keep doin ya thing |
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12-29-03, 11:21 PM | #7 | ||||||
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IP: 5203 B663
uppin
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01-01-04, 02:34 AM | #8 | ||||||
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IP: 5203 B663
Uping
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02-18-04, 03:09 AM | #9 | ||||||
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IP: 728B 8748
uppin this old poem
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