Her Final Words

Let me tell you a story about this girl I once knew
She was a suicidal babe and her mood was always blue
The blood on her wrist has long dried into a crust
The creepy green light kept her suspended in dusk
Demons followed her trying to give her a child
She had to seek sancturary before her mind went wild
So she ran about as fast as her pretty legs would carry
Haunted by goblins ghosts and everything so scarry
They chased her past the forest where the deer dance
But it was at a cemetary where she would take her final stance
And it was their she stood to fight the demons of hell
And it was their she stood only to have fallen to hell

Her final words were "Leave me alone"
Problems at school trouble at home
Her final words were "Stay away from me"
We all know it's the fault of society

Her final words were "Leave me alone"
All of her pain no one was to know
Her final words were "Stay away from me"
Now her pain is gone and her soul is free

It was here in the graveyard where she encountered this man
He was the deadly sin of lust and destined to be damned
This man was a rat and he lusted after this girl
He obsessed over her and wanted her to be his world
But he knew she wouldn't come to him willingly
So he found a way to make her his with such audacity
What he did was he took her away to a place of hiding
He overpowered her with fear she came willing with no fighting
It was then that he did what he could to her body
All sorts of torture of knives fire and sodomy
But if he killed her right then then her soul would've been saved
Instead he let her go into the world and there was something she craved
She become as obsessed as him 'cept she didn't lust
She wanted control over her life but that became a bust
So she did the one thing of control and committed scuicide
Her souls been damned to hell God's law she has defied
And now she's tortured forever by the man that she hated
Into every crevass of her body and her mind he invaded

Her final words were "Leave me alone"
Problems at school trouble at home
Her final words were "Stay away from me"
We all know it's the fault of society

Her final words were "Leave me alone"
All of her pain no one was to know
Her final words were "Stay away from me"
Now her pain is gone and her soul is free

Who would think so soon it would be death she would marry
After her death her body returned to the cemetary
And her soul was lifted and sent to the gates of hell
Past Cerberus, river of Styx, she knew the sulfer smell
For taking her own life she was punished so severly
But hell didn't do it, her rapist punished her freely
Every time he wanted her he would simply grab her arm
And punished her in ways he wanted, causing shame filled harm
There was no escape in the things that he would do
So she cried the whole time... she knew not what to do

__________________

Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

THIS PEICE WAS AMAZING

ooooooh i love when i get to reply wit xcitment lol

Let me tell you a story about this girl I once knew
She was a suicidal babe and her mood was always blue
^nice intro you lettin us know whats going on but not forshadowing to wahts going to become of her

She had to seek sancturary before her mind went wild
So she ran about as fast as her pretty legs would carry
Haunted by goblins ghosts and everything so scarry

^ good character description.....gave us a sense of what kinda fem we dealin wit


And it was their she stood to fight the demons of hell
And it was their she stood only to have fallen to hell
^
where shit starts takin the necro appeal...yo ucna tell its gonna be intense from that line on its like ut oh .....

Her final words were "Leave me alone"
Problems at school trouble at home
Her final words were "Stay away from me"
We all know it's the fault of society

Her final words were "Leave me alone"
All of her pain no one was to know
Her final words were "Stay away from me"
Now her pain is gone and her soul is free


THAT IS A FUKKIN ILL HOOK those two paragrahs are like something i can picture myself sayin or picture like an animae chick..perhpas the lil gurl from teh KORN video *freak on a leash* that lil blonde gurl in a red dress thats like got innocents in her eyes but death in her veins........i can picture her sayin those two hooks right there no doubt imagry is here and im feelin this.........

It was then that he did what he could to her body
All sorts of torture of knives fire and sodomy
But if he killed her right then then her soul would've been saved
Instead he let her go into the world and there was something she craved


^ this reminds me of suffering from a withdrawl...not from drugs but from a loved one you needin it but it HURTS you but yo uwant it...tmost when it desserts you yano?

And now she's tortured forever by the man that she hated
Into every crevass of her body and her mind he invaded
^

simple ryme scheme but yet you can see the image your trying to get across .....again im picturing that lil gurl from hte korn video ......i dunno why


Who would think so soon it would be death she would marry
After her death her body returned to the cemetary
And her soul was lifted and sent to the gates of hell
Past Cerberus, river of Styx, she knew the sulfer smell
^beautiful writing right there...that type of play n scheme is waht makes your poetry so wonderful to read.....you bring life into the stillist words.....make ordinary words stand out ........amazing im in awe

lastly this peice is brilant very nicely done wel put together the ending was sad but ew knewthat it had to be sad for ht etype of peice that this was........i was compltly in lov ewit this peice and i hand you my upmost respect always have

hazyluk@hotmail.com
HAZY be CRAZY <AIM NAME

let me kno if you intrested in a collab.....

damn...well i'll try and say what i can..but it seems Shaynea has disected this piece very well..so....

...first...it began so well...provided the setting...a basic picture....then it was like you began to add details...but also foundations...the dark picture got even darker and mirkier...and more graphic and 'gruesome'...a storm began brewing upon it too....and it seemed like a masterpiece of evil and darkness...but then came a glimmer of 'dark hope'....where her 'soul' could have been 'saved'....by an act which within itself is just as horrific and darkly as most....but what would of set her free....but no...instead this 'demon' wants more...and the picture begins to turn even more detailed..of pain and death...gruesome acts of devillish proportions...

...she can stand no more...she just wants to be free, but die in control...clouded by the darkness and evil before her...she frees herself with a sin of the darkest death....and the irony of it all comes into play...as her soul is free for just a short time...as she once again she comes back into the picture...now so dark and evil, grim and detailed, for this 'masterpiece' of evil has been completed by hell..where she shall be tormented for eternity....


thats the kind of thing i got out of it necro...one of the perspectives if you would....

...but it also raised some very valid questions in a subtle kind of way....like how can a god punish one who is being tormend so by the devil....and the only way she can then see out is to take her own life?....

....or how can society be so damned...that this kind of thing can happen?..is democracy really the way?....can we be TOO democratic?...and as this is happening - 20 mins drive away, others are living in relative luxury...etc. etc...many different points/questoin...


but for real...everytime you write a piece...in a way i feel it hard and deep....for your 'dark' soul and reality....and how you take us on a trip through it....is something that touches a nerve....lets just say...i fee most of the ish (maybe in a different context) you write for all the wrong reasons...


anyway...great piece...great talent to be able to write something like that....respect....

All these fuckin long reply's...

I'll tell you what I think in IM....lol


So she did the one thing of control and committed scuicide


Luv dat line..
I'ma get at you playboy....
~1~ Luv

that was probably one of the best drops ive read on this site.... the visuals-... horrible to imagine but discribed very very well the emotions-so great i could deffinatly imagine feeling way if this were me or sumone i know....the flow was great it all went together good... your detail in this was wonderful every little feeling made the poem that much better... i could feel the pain ... from every line the first to the last i was feeling it very deep... makes you really sit back and look at the world and wonder how the hell ppl can do shit like that to each other... your characters you created were well developed and i either felt an emense amount of pity torward them or a crap load of hate.... not that hard to figure out which feeling goes to which character... your a great poet.... much much much respect~peace~1luv