http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2882401
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2882403

this is enjoyable. original concept and nice approach. Good vocab through out making for a dope read.
The pener is cool, attention grabbing and shit, then the closer sealed it. Has some ok emotion in it and good structure.

Solid peice.

damn is everybody on their poetry shit,anyway this was good it was hard to read but still good

thanks to both.

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How do those lines relate in any way? What does rheological formulas have to do with the poem? Or infantile injections, for that matter.



What is demented? The human peridium? What the fuck is a human peridium? A peridium is the membrane of a fruit.



They obviously know ruthlessness if they're pushing each other off edges. Seems forced. A chutist is a parachutist...You're talking about human fruit membranes and sinners affecting parachutists.



...Neolithic relates to the last stage of the Stone Age, where animals were domesticated and whatnot. Maybe, mesolithic would suffice, but...and amethyst is a type of purple quartz...and I'm quite sure that stone does not lie.



WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Amethyst melts into wrongdoing? What reflective shards of the heaven sent? Where the fuck do you ever mention anything relating to shards or angels or anything? What does a reflective shard have to do with the heaven sent? Pal, you do know you're writing for an audience and you're treating us all like idiots, right? I mean, I'm known for my vocabulary and the confusion it brings, but if you look it up in the dictionary it makes sense.



Tell me, were you dropped on your head as a baby? The immediacy of resistance-lowering trouble, showers of hating control not allowed in the Mission? What Mission? Why is Mission capitalized?



...Do I have to do with this every line? What un-aspersed planes are you fucking talking about? They're walking on un-malign airplanes? Emotionless vision of the second epoch of a disdained universe? I'm about to stop reading.



...uber hurt? Super hurt? Why did you randomly throw that word in there? How does a day walk across a wasteland? WHAT WASTELAND? Of a disdained universe? Fate is a plan, so that's a redundant rhyme and forced.

I'm stopping here, because you obviously think there is some kind of metaphorical meaning to this verse and you want us all dig deep into your mind but that's not the point of poetry. It's to get a point across, not to throw random words like amethyst and neolithic out to confuse your fucking reader. You have a good meter, but uh, learn to make some fucking sense.

6/10 because of the meter.

It's about abortion. If you had any sense of metaphorical insight, maybe you could figure out what it meant. Apparently, you don.t

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Yeah kid, you sure got it; I have to have metaphorical insight to read a fucking poem. That's why Shakespeare talked about amethyst and malfeascense just so the world could know that he's smart. Just kidding, he was a literary genius and expressed it in a way you're attempting to imitate. Good to know that I have to have metaphorical insight to formulate a correlation between rheology and infantile injections, you fucking twat. Good to know that amethyst melting has a lot to do with abortion. Good to know that the human fruit membrane has a shit load to do with miscarriages and the emotion shared by parents.

Guess what, you shouldn't have to have metaphorical insight to read a fucking poem. And you shouldn't have to have a dictionary out to understand what the fuck some wannabe poet is saying. No, you're babbling on and on about shit that discusses everything but the topic at hand, so stop getting your panties in a bunch when I don't praise you and shower you in confetti. Good luck ever becoming more than a hobbyist if you think that:



is good.

Fuck you.

hmm.. honestly, your the first person on the net to say this a bad, let alone average piece. EVERYONE else understood it. But whatever, obviously this isn't your style and your used to seeing emotional stories with toddler-esque vocabulary because it doesn't obstruct the message. Well guess what, this wasn't meant to be emotional, it was a random rant and display of lyrical ability.

But whatever, apparently this isn't your style. It's whatever.

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Lmao...you're fucking stupid. My style:



Nice inference. I just want to know, what does an amethyst have to do with anything? What does rheology have to do with abortion? Maybe it takes a genius to decipher what an amethyst, instead of say, a topaz, has to do with abortion. Just explain a few lines to me. Not everything I write is emotional, pal:



Doesn't have a lot to do with emotion, and it's not like I'm trying to confuse the reader by throwing out words like malfeascence and rheology. Don't presume that you know anything about my style just because your poem is a bland attempt at coming off as smart. Do you want to read a poem where you have to constantly flip through a dictionary to understand what the fuck was going on? I stopped reading four lines in, and then just pulled out the dictionary and began critiquing.

Here, post this on writingforums.com or any other site with actual writers, and not hobbyists like RV and other people on the 'rap board open mic scene'. They'll tell you the same thing.

The piece I posted above has to do with the TOPIC. Everything I said in my poem isn't an attempt at sounding smart, it advances the topic in an arguably understandable way that is still arguably enjoyable to read. What I was writing about was how no man can truly said what color is what, because what is red to my eyes may be blue to you. So how could we say what God is? People say He/She is black or white or a man or a woman. The other half of the poem describes how you can't reach a conclusion by having two separate points of view, because two halves equals three-forths. If you keep adding halves, and carrying the one, you'll never be able to reach a single whole. (one half + one half = the first half is half, and then the second half would be a build-up off of that half, which would make it half of the half, which equals one-fourth).

I am by no means a writer who promotes toddler-esque vocabulary...I want complex vocabulary that actually makes sense. I know a good, understandable, provocative poem when I see one. It doesn't have to be able a man falling to his knees and crying at God about him taking his wife. None of my poems are like that. So accept the criticism and shut the fuck up.

Here, I'll go even more indepth with my critique:

Rheologist formulas and infantile injections
Times the only antidote to miles of tension

The second line is fine. The first one talks about rheologist formulae: which would mean the formulae of the rheologist, rheologist being the person actually studies the flow of matter and not the actual rheology of the womb, which may be what you're trying to say (the flow of liquids in the womb). The use of infantile injections is not necessarily incorrect, but most people, when seeing the word infantile, associate it with immaturity --- though it could also mean related to infants. But an infant is a baby, born, but still not able to talk. It would be 'fetal injections'.



Are you saying the womb is the peridium (the membrane of the fruit, the baby being the fruit?) You're calling the womb itself demented, but a womb isn't; the womb supports the baby. It is the mother that is demented. Calling the human peridium (which makes me think of the peridium itself being human, even though you could mean having the qualities of a human, but the wording here --- wording being the flaw of the entire piece --- is off) demented makes me think that you're not talking about the womb.



I was arguing this with a friend, actually. We were talking about the meaning of 'kid', if it relates to the mother or parent. You say the sinner's gist, meaning the sinner's idea, followed by another dependent clause that makes it a fucked up sentence in which neither seems to relate to each other. Who is the kid? If the mother is the kid, the chutist could refer to the mother being a parachutist and having a degree, so she is educated enough to survive the 'fall of life'. This would be good, except that the wording of it is confusing.



Neolithic practices? That particular era was when humans were actually becoming more sensible and modernized. It means 'new stone', as in the new stone age. Mesolithic or Paleolithic would fit better. What is the amethyst? Are you trying to say amber? Which preserves the baby, but the amber lies because it's suppose to preserve the baby but instead kills it? But that doesn't make sense because the womb itself doesn't kill, the 'infantile injection' does.



Which destroys the amber concept, because amber doesn't die; it's tree sap, it's not alive. Deliquesced means it melts, and the sentence implies the amethyst itself is melting into an evil thing. But amethyst itself is an inanimate object, not capable of living or dying or good and evil, just like the womb. And what are the reflective shards of the heaven sent?


There is a bit of it. A lot of the wording doesn't make sense, though the metaphors like the AMBER preserving the baby but ending up killing it would be nice, but the amber itself doesn't kill the baby. You need to word your stuff so it's coherent, or else it makes no sense and comes off as a bad attempt at sounding smart.

Alright, I see where your coming from. But your taking each word too literally. It's wahtever. Im still toying with styles, and some heads usually hate the thinker, abstract approach.

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Bro, I understand the metaphorical approach, but just explain to me what I'm missing here...because there is metaphorical and then there is just plain out nonsensical. I don't see any correlation to amethyst and anything else in the entire piece.

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