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Old 09-15-05, 08:34 PM   #1
Dervla
Poet's Daughter.
 
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IP:

The story goes like this
he was waiting for her
ready to share pure
joy with her.
He stands looking good
expecting her.
He stands sweating nervously
thinking of her.
He stands with a sadden
expression on his face.
As the hot morning beams
above him.
He sits watching the cars go by
and people entering and coming out
of the resteraunt.
He sits while the rain falls as his tears
do until dawn.
He sleeps on the bench dreaming of her
about her beauty and the future
joyus days he will have.
He sleeps smelling the food in the
resteraunt.
He sleeps like an baby in it's cradel
He wakes up
morning and the flower as a present
to her is dead.
He walks along the raod hearing
those nosey cars engines
He walks along a path with a heart
that's broken.
He walks along and sits with a turn
of the ignition he drives.
Drives away the emotion, but he can't
do it.
Drives away from the pain but it still
aches in him.
Then pulls up onto his drive-way
Pulls up toa new era, and should forget
the past.
He pulls up and get's out, out of the
deep pain that's in him.
Now he is home.
a home were truth happiness belongs
a home that he calls.
a home that creates an edge between sandess.
Then he sleeps.
Sleeps his away his agony.
Sleeps away his tears
wakes up and goes out to
find true Love.


quick key...yep.
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Old 09-22-05, 01:01 PM   #2
Viva
Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
 
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From: ring the BEL and run FAST!!!
IP:

lol I was feelin all sleepy, from reading the word 'sleep' over and over again lol, but this was a nice piece, i liked how the line structure potrayed the feeling of drifiting in and out of sleep. (well i dont no if that was intentional but i read it that way! lol) nice piece, keep em comin.
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Old 09-23-05, 03:28 PM   #3
atti?
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Posts: 3,147
IP:

This Isn't Even Poetry,
Rather A Short Story Written In Poetry Format.

You're Just Going Through And Saying What Happend The Whole Time,
Step By Step Without Even Sleeping In Any Creative Wording Or Metaphors.

I Think I Saw Like Two Simily's, That Was About It For Poetic Elements.

It Just Kind Bored Me To Be Honest.

It Lacked Pretty Much All That Is Need For A Good Poem,
Besides Structure.
... Probally Due To The Fact This Is Really A Short Story.

With All The Feelings That Were Expressed,
Depression, Anxiety, Self Pitty, Then And Epiphany To Optamistic,
You Could Have Had This Filled With Poetic Beauty.

So It Just Came Up Extremely Short For Me.
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