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09-15-05, 08:34 PM | #1 | |
Poet's Daughter.
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No show
IP:
The story goes like this
he was waiting for her ready to share pure joy with her. He stands looking good expecting her. He stands sweating nervously thinking of her. He stands with a sadden expression on his face. As the hot morning beams above him. He sits watching the cars go by and people entering and coming out of the resteraunt. He sits while the rain falls as his tears do until dawn. He sleeps on the bench dreaming of her about her beauty and the future joyus days he will have. He sleeps smelling the food in the resteraunt. He sleeps like an baby in it's cradel He wakes up morning and the flower as a present to her is dead. He walks along the raod hearing those nosey cars engines He walks along a path with a heart that's broken. He walks along and sits with a turn of the ignition he drives. Drives away the emotion, but he can't do it. Drives away from the pain but it still aches in him. Then pulls up onto his drive-way Pulls up toa new era, and should forget the past. He pulls up and get's out, out of the deep pain that's in him. Now he is home. a home were truth happiness belongs a home that he calls. a home that creates an edge between sandess. Then he sleeps. Sleeps his away his agony. Sleeps away his tears wakes up and goes out to find true Love. quick key...yep.
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09-22-05, 01:01 PM | #2 | ||
Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
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IP:
lol I was feelin all sleepy, from reading the word 'sleep' over and over again lol, but this was a nice piece, i liked how the line structure potrayed the feeling of drifiting in and out of sleep. (well i dont no if that was intentional but i read it that way! lol) nice piece, keep em comin.
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09-23-05, 03:28 PM | #3 | |
1926
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IP:
This Isn't Even Poetry,
Rather A Short Story Written In Poetry Format. You're Just Going Through And Saying What Happend The Whole Time, Step By Step Without Even Sleeping In Any Creative Wording Or Metaphors. I Think I Saw Like Two Simily's, That Was About It For Poetic Elements. It Just Kind Bored Me To Be Honest. It Lacked Pretty Much All That Is Need For A Good Poem, Besides Structure. ... Probally Due To The Fact This Is Really A Short Story. With All The Feelings That Were Expressed, Depression, Anxiety, Self Pitty, Then And Epiphany To Optamistic, You Could Have Had This Filled With Poetic Beauty. So It Just Came Up Extremely Short For Me. |
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