http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=221624

Walkin under your presence....thinkin of you
Heart stops knowin your existence is through
Wonderin if it you everytime i hear the phone
So i'm hoping, prayin, wishin....you would come home

Guided by a dim light for the the glow lost it's essence
Reminisin while missin the shear spark of your presence
Without your wisdom, i'm only a mear mark in a sentence
Walkin down an optical illusion for you bathed me with lessons
And for now my heart constricts while screamin your name
For i lost a guardian angel to sooth my everlasting pains
And The clouds seem darker while the stars loose their spark
The chain that bonds us is rusted the further we move apart
An simple mirage for i gaze to search for our lost chemistry
Replayin moments together...it's a lovely but painful imagery
So my eyes water while i'm breakin tears of pain lately
I've been strong for so long but can't be without you baby

Walkin under your presence....thinkin of you
Heart stops knowin your existence is through
Wonderin if it you everytime i hear the phone
So i'm hoping, prayin, wishin....you would come home

The frames on the wall covered by dust and memories
Once guarded the pictures of a point in my life so heavenly
Were the vision ahead was filled with a beautiful forecast
So i jump over steep cracks to avoid a fall in a torn path
Every word i hear bears the flame that's held in your voice
And every desicion i make holds a scar from your choice
To waunder onto a different trail while leavin me behind
And every song i hear replays your name in my mind
Carvin your words in my heart, so i beat to your breath
Cupid shot a wooden arrow into me so i bear the splinters left
Just dreamin at night, anilyzing when you pulled the trigger
To leave me a witherin man, abandoned and disfigured
I'm so sick of waiting, degradin and fadin as the wind blows
So i'm taking what i bear and shovin it out the window...

Walkin under your presence....thinkin of you
Heart's all good altho your existence is through
So now i don't think of you if i hear the phone
Cause i'll be here while you find a new home...

__________________

sounds like u gagging for sum dawg.........

hehe on tha real tho, some top rhymin technique, flows good and its all on topic

Ü

lol......thanks for the feedback yo...uppin for more

__________________

shit was pretty tight kidd. i liked it and it went along nicely.
keep this shit coming. (could have made it a lil longer but still it was good)

__________________
im so ill that cancer thinks im its father.

i know...wel thanks for the feedback homie........

__________________

Topically you killed the topic... (meaning you stuck it well)... Lyrically you had good vocab in this... but you really lacked internal rhymes.. (there is no rule in hip~hop that states just rhyme at the end of the line... you can and should rhyme with-in as well) it makes for a better read, better flow, and it just alround gives you more options and outlets to go with on your cadance... Also you should try to do a full 16 bars... per verse... ya verses were good but short...

__________________

thanks for the feedback....yea i'll make this longer.............

__________________

yeah, i'll leave feedback when you post another link

__________________

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2649719

my other link, now drop feed.....................

__________________

pretty nice drop...stuck the topic well, good vocab...overall a dope drop...i agree with most of the previous feed, could have extended this a lil longer....but tight job kid


return the favor: http://community.rapverse.com/showt...ewpost&t=221682

__________________

thanks for the feedback homie...........

__________________

that shit was nice, real emotional....good for the ladies nad shit....

__________________