scanz

a kid so far gone in exsistense he is considerd a ghost.
another kid who lost everything but the pistol smoke.
its a joke, family to him was never a reality.
he is a book with no pages and very little sanity.
no future to be told, no history to be said.
an emotionless home that was said to be dead.
in hs head he knows wuts real and wuts not.
he takes wut he needs but leaves wut hes got.
his thoughts, emotiones, feelings... he is dead inside.
just another lonely kid dreaming about suicide.
he crys, amongst the world's shoulders trying to calm his fear
since the day this kid was born he waas only lead to tears.
day after day, year after year, he felt no emotion.
his head and feelings are more vast then the ocean.
no potion could cure no scientist could help operate.
this is a kid that no docotor could posible alterfate.
what to do whne the world crushes your soul.
when a demon comes and just swallows u hole.
no family for help, and where are your friends?
WELCOME to the life when ur soul becomes dead.

__________________
im so ill that cancer thinks im its father.

scanz

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=226386
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=227157

__________________
im so ill that cancer thinks im its father.

Critic

U have got something but I keep losing the emotions when I have to go back
to try and understand what it is your trying to get at...

The start didn't really make sense to me,...

a kid so far gone in exsistense he is considerd a ghost.
another kid who lost everything but the pistol smoke.
**What do u mean ! he's lost everything but the pistol
some what r u getting at ?**

its a joke, family to him was never a reality.
he is a book with no pages and very little sanity.
no future to be told, no history to be said.
an emotionless home that was said to be dead.
**Fucking dope this is more like the writing I should
be seeing from you now your more then capable of it**
Great flow with the inner from the opening 2 lines,.. Vocab
was nice but could still be improved,.. emotions nice ^^^^

in hs head he knows wuts real and wuts not.
he takes wut he needs but leaves wut hes got.
**In his head he knows what's real and whats not
He takes what he need's but leaves what hes go,...
Please write correctly,.. It puts me off you u spell things
in this way !! I wasn't gonna drop feed,.. but I didn't like
this bar it seems like a filler and the flow was really basic
Got and Not come on Scanz***
his thoughts, emotiones, feelings... he is dead inside.
just another lonely kid dreaming about suicide.
***Dopeeee Kid,.. nice flow, vocab hard hitting statement.***
he crys, amongst the world's shoulders trying to calm his fear
since the day this kid was born he waas only lead to tears.
***Nice could have come a little more complex,.. try uping you
vocab it will help you writing a lot but this was nice fans....

day after day, year after year, he felt no emotion.
his head and feelings are more vast then the ocean.
***favorite bar !! just the close feelings more VAST
the the Ocean see !! thats dope vocab something
minor like the word Vast makes a bar think about it !!!***

no potion could cure no scientist could help operate.
this is a kid that no docotor could posible alterfate.
*** U do mean alter fate right ? if no thats not a word
alterfate !! sort it out fams proof read before you drop
open mics... this was all right seen better...***


what to do whne the world crushes your soul.
when a demon comes and just swallows u hole.
***Simple but it works bit of a filler again but its
kind better then the other one ! no you spelt When
wrong !!! ***
no family for help, and where are your friends?
WELCOME to the life when ur soul becomes dead.
*** U fucked this !! it was well decent and the end
don't even rhyme !! please explain ??? ***

Overall this was pretty decent if you spent an extra
ten minutes just checking that eveything is spelt right
this would have been one of your best drops !!!

I tell you what your next open mic pm me and I will help
u out elevate what ever u wanna call it,.. your better then
this...

Holla at me

1~

rysme

i think the last two lines werent meant to rhyme cos
i think hes sayin a understanding of what it means of having ur
soul or whatever become dead
well at least thats what i think but not sure

Critic

Maybe ! but then he should have up his complexity and dropped the last
two lines afterwards it would have added more depth !! good looking out
Rys.

Stay up

1~

scanz

its my own story on how i lost alot of things but still have the choice of the gun that remains in my hand... hense the pistol smoke.... thats really basic.

in hs head he knows wuts real and wuts not.
he takes wut he needs but leaves wut hes got.

this bar is bout me and my emotions. i leave my feelings emotions and thoughts behind (leaves wut hes got) but take wut i need, money sex etc. but in my head i realize the truth bout things all though i do nuttin bout it....

and yea its alter fate. i just missed the space... sorry lol

bout the end. i didnt wanna put something basic that rhymes with dead. so i kinda improvised like most rappers and made a word that almost sounds alike hense friends and dead. depends how u say it..... anyways being that i have a dad that is an asshole and i live alone with him being that my bro lives in managua (the capital) and my friends arent really friends, cus in this world its hard to find a real friend... there more like buddys. so basicly im telling u wut its like and if it ever happens then i welcome u cus ur soul has become dead..... like welcome to the club. if u got any other questions just drop and ill clear them up. thankz for the feed.

__________________
im so ill that cancer thinks im its father.